Friday, 24 October 2008

Unhelpful, Unfunny and Going To Hell.

Yesterday I saw something fantastic, sad and hilarious all in the space of about 10 seconds. As I walked out of Ladywell Fields with Jerk I was lucky enough to spot a woman who must have been in her early fifties riding a skateboard. I bought a skateboard about 9 years ago and the sage-like Natalie Haynes told me that I'd give it a few trys, be pathetic at it then never go near it again. Her sage-like wisdom proved to be annoyingly spot on, the fucking sage. So, seeing this 50+ woman skating happily by reminded me of my patheticness. Then, as if to make me feel not so bad about myself, she fell off. The 2% of me that isn't a cunt dragged the rest of me to her aid but by the time I got there everything that I'd just seen hit me and, therefore, I started to laugh. When someone is in pain and really needs help it's best not to offer it while laughing your face off, I discovered. Initially the very nice lady ignored my laughter as I helped her up but soon asked me to leave her alone. I tried to help, I tried to be a good citizen but, at the age of 40, seeing someone fall still makes me laugh and I ended up being a cunt. My good deed for the day was actually evil.

I nearly had two great gigs last night courtesy of The Funny Side. The first gig was The Funny Side of The City and was full of office workers, very nice office workers. They were great fun and gave me plenty of room to muck about. I tried out a new joke which seemed to work although it's really hard to tell because the audience were so giving that you can't quite gauge new stuff properly. Why can't these lovely audiences give us comedians a chance to work out new material fairly, the selfish cunts? Next I was off to The Funny Side of Covent Garden which was much quiter than The City and, to be honest, I didn't fancy my chances. As it turned out the gig was great. For about 17 minutes. Lots of mucking about and general fun was followed by this awful cunt who just kept shouting crap. She claimed she was married to a Northern Irish man so she could say what she liked to me. The audience disagreed, which was nice, but The Cunt had left such a weird atmosphere in the room that I just decided to leave. Shame, because it was great up until then. Afterwards, a woman came up to me and said "I thought you were really funny. I really enjoyed your performance. You should have smashed her fucking head in". It's nice to get positive feedback. Then the worst post-gig thing happened, The Cunt came up to me to apologise. Instead of just going away and blowing her own face off the stupid bitch came up to me to say sorry. It goes without saying that I told her to fuck right off. It goes without sayinger that in reality I sheepishly grinned and said that it was all OK. I hate me sometimes.

After that Greg Burns took me to one of his favourite toilets. It was a pretty crowded toilet that had stopped being a toilet and was now a bar. It was full of drunk office workers and charged whatever the fuck it liked for soda water. I liked it. It had very odd lighting that showed up all our agespots. Luckily, Greg had seemingly blacked up beforehand so we couldn't see his. It was a nice way to end the generally pretty good night, if you don't count The Cunt. Then something utterly brilliant happened. I got on the train to go home and sat on the only free seat in the carriage. I soon found out that I was surrounded by about 12 archeologists who were all talking passionately about a set of stone tools they'd found. They were all young, very chatty and used brilliant scientific phrases like "Of course it's older than that, you belgian twat". I'm not educated in such matters so Lord only knows what it means. After declaring that a tool they'd been studying was perhaps 2.5 million years old another passenger on the train chipped in to remind us all that we are all going to hell because Jesus' Dad think we're all arseholes (not his words). A brilliant argument erupted with pissed scientists shouting at a loud, drunken christian. "We have proof because it's detailed in the geologic calendar, you prick", "There is only one calendar and that is the word of God". Those sentences were actually thrown about in what will probably be my favourite train journey ever. It was like watching The Argument Channel, which sadly doesn't exist.

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