Friday, 3 October 2008

Stars and Stripes and Cunts.

I’m in America. I used to get very excited about coming to America when I was a child but it’s long lost that exciting buzz. The moment you land in the country they may as well tell you that they fucking hate you. As soon as I got raped, or as they call it Stateside “security checked”, I felt like I just didn’t want to be there. You have to give two fingerprints and have a photo taken before they even look at your passport. Basically, you’re guilty of plotting a terrorist attack until proven innocent. Welcome to America and have a nice day.

The flight was good, though. I was in the enviable position of having a free seat next to me. That’s like an upgrade! I had the choice of a million films and only chose ones I’d seen before plus the hilariously shit The Happening. M. Night Shyalaman’s films always have a really interesting twist at the end and The Happening’s interesting twist was that you made it to the end with out kicking the fuck out of the screen. Marky Mark is the lead but frequently gets upstaged by plants and grass. How that utter fuck-wit ever gets work is beyond me and includes lots of blow-jobs. Then I arrived in Seattle, the Birmingham of America (even though they have an actual Birmingham), and drank until it was proper bedtime. Jet lag? Never heard of i…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Yesterday I was very excited to go to Seattle’s Sci-Fi Museum and Hall of Fame. I was told by a fucking idiot that they had a Dalek there so that was as good a reason as any to go. They didn’t have a Dalek. They had Robby the Robot which the fucking idiot thought was a Dalek. Stupid fucking thick American cunt. It had NOTHING about Doctor Who in it at all, proving what a fascist state this country has become. It had props from The Black Hole, Innerspace, Transformers and a cuntload of other useless Sci-Fi balls. It even had the actual Muffit from Battlestar Galactica. Who gives a flying fat shit about any of that? They had a Time Travel and an Inter-Dimensional Travel section but they featured NOTHING from the Doctor. FUCKING FAT AMERICAN CUNTS. I left vowing to one day overthrow this ridiculous place.

Later that night, I watched part of the Vice-presidential debates and decided that the Doctor Who ignoring yankee pricks deserved their fate. Biden waffled and smiled while Palin wore make-up, it was very hard to pick one I hated more. It’s probably Palin though. She “won’t judge homosexuals” but will vote against their rights. If you hate them at least have the balls to say so. Not that she has balls because she is a woman, and trust me, that is as in-depth a political review of Sarah Palin that you will ever get over here. After the debate, CNN ran a poll and 88% of Americans thought that she came across better than they had expected. Of course she fucking did because we all expected her to just stand there shitting herself, then rubbing the shit on her plastic, crying face and then eating her shit and then grabbing her trophy Downe’s Syndrome baby for a last minute you-can’t-hate-me-my-baby-is-this photo opportunity. She’s awful.

I need to get drunk over here or else I’m going to go mad. It’s nice but it would be nicer if I was drunk. I’m going to an Irish bar tonight (glad I came all this way) and tomorrow I’m going to a wedding. There are very nice people getting married on Saturday. I like them a lot but I know I’m going to get drunk and the groom and all his friends are Bush-ites and Jesus heads. Should be fun.

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