Do You Have Andrew Sachs Phone Number?

I take back everything I said about Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. They were RIGHT to abuse Andrew Sachs over his whore granddaughter. I want to phone Slut Sachs myself and go into detail about how I fucked her granddad and see how she likes it. It was a brilliant thing to do and if I could only ever ask Messrs. Ross and Brand two questions they would be why didn't you go further with your horrible, cuntish phonecall and what does Messrs mean? It was a brilliant thing to do, I wish I'd done it myself and those two sacks of useless shit should be knighted because... they really pissed off Loose Women. Anyone who can upset those pointless, whining, Dinner-Ladies-With-A-TV-Show, thick as pig shit, embarrassing wankers is a hero worthy of an X-Factor charity record in my eye's book. There is no such thing as feminism while Loose Women stalk the Earth. How can you say anything that Ross & Brand have done is offensive when you a) feel the need to tell the nation how lovely Will Young's bum is and then filling the time with 15 minutes of giggling, b) discuss the credit crunch and how it has stopped your husband handing over his credit card when you demand it then fill the time with 15 minutes of giggling and c) are Linda Bellingham?

Not that Loose Women are the only ones upset over this DEEPLY IMPORTANT WORLD-SHATTERING STORY, BBC's Breakfast have had more comments from the thick public over this than any other story ever. 9/11? Never heard of it, but did you hear about Manuel's voicemail? I'm up in arms! Even chilled-out, sugar-sweet, peace-loving light entertainer Jim Jeffries is offended by Manuelgate which is a bit like Darth Vader being outraged at Ewoks for throwing stones at stormtroopers. All I'm saying is that if all these human beings and a comedian have been shocked and agitated by two dickheads haven't the two dickheads done us all a great favour? I'm very proud of them and of the BBC for not firing them (yet). In fact, the BBC should fire anyone who hasn't phoned Andrew Sachs to tell him they'd fucked his granddaughter. That should get rid of Tess Daly.

I had a lie down yesterday. A real lie down, like a proper old person. I had a terrible headache that genuinely came on during the white noise of Loose Women and I felt drained for the rest of the day. I like a lie down but as I was on my own all day yesterday I failed in getting all the sympathy that I needed to make me stop pretending I was iller than I was. Don't get me wrong, occasionally the dog would poke her nose in my eye but it's not the same as Mum making me an egg-beat-up-in-a-cup and putting Bagpuss on. That's the cure for EVERYTHING. I'm still ill now so, Mum, if you're reading this; sorry about the swearing, can you pop round? I'm poorly.