Stupid Fucking Idiot.

I am a stupid, fucking idiot. This will not comes as news to anyone who regularly reads this blog. It's obvious that I'm stupid. All the fuck-ups that I make prove I'm an idiot. Even Abie has noticed that I'm "angry". So, it's not that different to any other day. I'm an idiot every day. But yesterday I just couldn't shake the sickening feeling in my stomach that I am, indeed, a stupid fucking idiot.

I walked into the Five Pound Fringe office and made a joke. It was a long, loud, sarcastic joke. I meant it as a humorous "innit bleedin' typical" but that's not how it came across. I know this because I made Lisa Keddie cry. I was utterly surprised that it happened because I didn't think anything I was saying could be taken any other way than as a joke. I was wrong. I know this because I made Lisa Keddie cry.

I'm a stupid fucking idiot.

Lisa was very nice about it. She said that she was upset because I was upset and something else had just happened in the office and it had been a bad day and she was stressed...and...and...and all I heard was YOU MADE LISA CRY, YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT.

To be honest, I still can't quite shake it. Lisa is my favourite person by far up here. She has supported, helped and understood King of Everything fully while up here even when we didn't deserve support or help or were beyond understanding. She organised the Mr. Jolly night which I loved. That didn't stop me making her cry. What a bellend.

Yesterday was a bad day anyway. Luckily, the show was great. Sadly, I wasn't really there as all I could hear in my head was YOU MADE A GIRL CRY, YOU FUCKING RAPIST. Mind you, that is mainly what Johnny says during the show so it couldn't be helped. I ended up late in Brooke's bar boring the arse off my friends telling them my sorry-for-myself story. It's almost as if it was the last week of the Edinburgh Festival.

Here's the good news: Since the awful incident, I have seen the two best shows I've seen in Edinburgh so far. Andrew O'Neill's Occult Comedian and Caroline Mabey's Go Go Go Coffee Show. They are equally excellent. Andrew's show is as strong and confident a stand-up show as you're likely to see but with enough surrealism to make you childishly giggle as well as heartily laugh. Caroline simply is like no other stand-up you've seen. Her show is one of the funniest mental breakdowns you will ever see. And it's free.

I can only assume that the other shows that have been chosen for the Edinburgh Comedy Prize are even better. I mean, they must be.

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