Monday, 17 August 2009

My Ever Changing Moods.

What a difference a day makes. I couldn't have been more depressed yesterday morning. Really questioning why I'm up here. Then when I got to the show Johnny turned up hungover and exhausted. Then we were told only 10 people had bought tickets for the show. I was very fucked off by now and just assumed that the day was going to be a disaster.

The show started and when we got out there we saw 25 people in the audience. Still not big numbers but actually 25 looks OK in our little room. Somehow, even though the depression and the hangover, the show was great. Really loved it. Johnny and I laughed the whole way through it. I mean, the audience did too but fuck it, we decided to muck about and just enjoy ourselves. We need to be fed up and in pain more often.

The first sketch in our show highlights the incompetence of staff at O'Brien's Sandwich Shops, something Johnny and I discovered during a previous Edinburgh Festival. Gordon Southern walked into the venue halfway through this sketch. He was late but the fact that he was carrying an O'Brien's Sandwich Shop bag gave us a clue as to why. Good to see the useless fucks haven't changed.

I've realised that I don't know that many people up here this year. A lot of my usuals have decided not to piss away £10,000 on a ridiculous whim of one day, maybe one day, getting a line on The Katy Brand Show. I respect those people greatly. The cunts. So what do you do all day when you don't know that many people? Well, luckily, I've been busy. But in the bit of free time I have there is nothing I like better than reading other show's blurbs and press quotes. Cunts aren't always easy to spot right away but a quick glance at their ego-bomb of a poster/leaflet should be all the information you need that this person is to be avoided. And shot.

The ones I hate the most are "joke" press quotes. There are actual cunts at this festival with "I gave them a standing ovation" - Stephen Hawking and "Oh no, he's wet the bed again" - Dan's Mum. Oh, Dan march, you and your press quotes. Anyhoo, my favourite one is for Jim Jeffries: "Better than Jesus" - The Scotsman. The humble comedian simply making it clear that he is better than a fictional character. You've got to read the Fringe Brochure too. It's full of madness. One show is blurbed: "Why doesn't Britain have it's own Jon Stewart? It does - you just haven't discovered her yet". Well, what a bunch of lazt cunts we've all been, eh? Oh, and like Jon Stewart himself she too is on around tea-time at Peter Buckley Hill's Free Fringe.

Speaking of posters, why do comedians have to swear so badly? It's terrible. By that, I mean comedians up here are bad at swearing. They put a swear word in the title of their show and then, for some utterly unfathomable reason, asterisk out their own swearing. Your show is called Fuckonomics, Gordillo, not F**konomics. Grow a f**king spine, t**t. If you don't want to swear then don't but for fuck's sake don't cover it up if you do. NO-ONE is offending by the spelling of a swear word. It's the word itself that still upsets people in the year 2009. Some comics even censor their swearing in their own blogs. What the fun is the point of that? The silly, funning wallies.

Yes, yesterday was great. After the show, Johnny and I went for a drink with a really nice bunch of friends, one of whom is the excellent Martin White. It is now that I'd like to proudly announce the worst act in Edinburgh this year. Martin and I have decided to form a "tribute" act to Kit & The Widow called Cunt & Your Mum. If anyone would like to book us then please contact us immediately. Right now. Don't delay. I see us equally at home on Nicholas Parsons' Happy Hour or getting bottled off at Spank! Please get in touch. Cunt & Your Mum must have it's day.

I said cunt a lot in this blog.


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