I turned 41 on Wednesday and what better way to celebrate than in the company of total and utter fucking useless cunts?
Lots of really nice friends came to help me celebrate at Brooke's Bar, my favourite Edinburgh Festival bar, but as I have no say over who comes into a public bar four of the biggest fuck-nuts you could ever have the misfortune to breath the same air as walked in. They came in with Paul Foot, the fantastic comedian, and sat down on two sofas near where I was standing. I was talking with Paul Sinha and very much enjoying my night. I'd had some lovely presents, people had bought me drinks and now I was chatting with one of my favourite people. Paul clocked the four wankers immediately. Well, one of them anyway.He was in his early twenties, fresh faced and a cunt. Probably the biggest cunt I have seen in a long, long time. But Paul, the fucking idiot, fancied him.
"Look at him", said Paul. I was told to look and I did so. Then, because I looked, the fucking idiot and I made eye contact for a half second. Apparently, this is how a fight starts now.
I went back to my conversation with Paul but I could feel the fucking idiot continuing to stare at me. I could just see him out of the corner of my eye. It was getting uncomfortable. I looked back just to make sure that he was staring at me. He was. Back to the Paul chat, I thought, but now the fucking idiot is staring and putting on a big, fake, "see enough?" grin. This was now very uncomfortable. I'm 41 and I shouldn't be picked on by the young. Paul commented that the fucking idiot was staring but, of course, by now I knew this. I looked over again and now him and the three other cunts he was with were staring at me with the same ridiculous grins. Paul suggested we move. Good idea. I'm 41 and I'm mature enough to not let this get to me. They are dicks but I can show I'm the better man by just walking away. But before that I asked "What the fuck are you looking at?"
They started saying some crap about me staring at them. I had stared at no-one. Paul said "Look" and I looked. That was it. Paul is gay so I can understand why he might be interested in a man. I'm straight so it held no interest for me. The four pricks were also gay but they obviously thought that it was 1973 and being a homosexual was outrageous, brave and individual. It's 2009 and being gay means that you are attracted to people of the same gender. AND THAT IS FUCKING IT. How boring can you get? Cunts who would think for a second that a man in an actors bar in a theatre festival talking to a gay man would in any way at all be slightly repulsed, shocked or even interested in someone just because they're gay. The fucking heterophobic pricks.
After a brief argument that I had no chance of winning (after all, all four of them were tragically FABULOUS), Paul and I walked away and stood elsewhere. Then after about a minute one of them got up to talk to us. "I'm sorry about my friend", he said. "He's very drunk. I said it was OK and hoped that would be that. "I said sorry, OK?", he shouted.
This I did not get. I'd already been pretty nice about it, accepted the apology AND moved away from the trouble but now this cunt was just giving me shit to my face. "Stop starting a fight", I said. That seemed to work because the cunt fucked off.
Paul Foot, a lovely man who I'm a huge fan of, came over a few minutes later to see if everything was OK and to explain that the four cunts were actually really nice. That explanation holds no water at all because it's very clear that they were not nice. They are horrible, aggressive and intensely backward in their thinking.
Please don't sleep with any of them, Paul Foot. You are better than that.
It couldn't ruin the night totally, of course. It was generally great fun drinking with my friends and, even though King of Everything had to be cancelled that day due to an electrical problem, I was still pretty cheery. I'm loving the show at the moment.We're getting small audiences but each one has been nice, supportive and a lot of fun. Plus the weather has been great. I'm always in a good mood in Edinburgh when the weather is nice and it has been since we arrived.
Of course, it's raining now...