Friday, 7 August 2009

My Penis and a Dead Person's Box.

Seriously. When was the last time your cock was rubbed up against a coffin?

Well, that's just the kind of wacky, zany, fucking annoying thing that happens every day at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I found myself right outside my venue, which is in one of Edinburgh's most difficult to get to piss-drenched alleys, when I found myself stuck in the middle of a piss-drenched Gypsy funeral. As they carried the coffin passed they said "Excuse me" and normally I would do what I can to get out of a funeral's way but these cunts just came charging at me and I found myself pinned to a wall and being groped by a cock-hungry pine box.

It wasn't a real funeral, they weren't even real gypsies. It was just a piece of publicity for a show here at the festival. A shame because I'd like to see their funeral for real. That would be nice. These cunts actually think that it's OK to force their fucking tedious, not to mention smelly, show down our throats. Why would anyone buy a ticket after seeing these unwashed half-men jumping down the street firing fake guns and throwing a coffin at one another? Actually, that sounds quite good but, trust me, it looked like a big eye-shit.

The worst thing was that it all happened just before Johnny and I went into our show. Our first show of the run. I was nervous and now thanks to pretend Gypsies I was also furious. But...

The show went really well. We had a small audience but you really couldn't have hand-picked better people. Really lovely. The ending needs to be re-written (or even just written) and some things need tightening up. All in all, though, I haven't a complaint about how yesterday went and I'm very excited about the next 24 shows. I like the show and that's a huge relief.

After the show we celebrated. I went to The Stand launch party which was excellent because we got to see a few minutes each of some great Fringe shows. Paul Sinha is obviously going to have a great year, he was on incredible form last night, and Stewart Lee was being tediously brilliant. It's true. He's so consistently good that he now just comes across as a prick rubbing my nose in it. I'll see his full show on Saturday. I'm looking forward to it and I hate him for that.

As a point of interest, I saw Toilet last night. I saw him the night before too. Like last year, I haven't spoken to him. He needs to make the first move. He didn't, of course. I have a new plan for this year, I think. I am going to try to be near him as much as I can (at all times, if need be) until he says "Hello" to me. Maybe this year Toilet and I can be friends. He can't just pretend that he hasn't seen me for another year, can he? He can, can't he?

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