Thursday, 21 May 2009

Would You Like Cheese With That?

Do you actually pay your TV licence fee? WELL DON'T. Look at what YOU are funding, you evil bastard. God, I hate you. If it wasn't for you there would be no Horne & Corden, no My Family, no Cunts Dancing Like Cunts or whatever it's called. But no, YOU had to actually pay for all these things and ruin my fucking life. And now you have crossed the line, as if Torchwood wasn't utterly shit enough, you give money so this can happen. What were you thinking? What was going through your mind when YOU decided to make Tonight's The Night with John Barrowman.

How this bootable, annoying ball-ache of a man ever became popular is completely beyond me. He smiles for a living. That's all he does. Smile and patronise. Smile and patronise. Sing a song. Smile and patronise. Smile and patronise. Sing a song. Goodbye wink. Smile and patronise. That's the entire show. The smarmy fuck-nut dances around, talking down to "ordinary" people and blessing us all with his presence. The premise of the show is this: Do you know someone very special? Then let Tonight's The Night reward them by being in the same room as John Barrowman himself. What a prize! Has your entire family been wiped out with AIDS and your dog been shot dead and now you spend all your time trying to stop wolves from eating orphan babies? Well, we're going to let you touch John Barrowman's lovely golden hand. My favourite bit in the show is when they get someone who's life is so shit that their friend's lose their minds and ask John Barrowman if he would be so gracious as to make a dream come true for the poor sap. What about singing live in the studio with Russell Watson? Well, he wanted to go to Disneyland but, fuck it, why not? Then they drag him to the studio, let him sing two lines then Russell Watson steps in to prove how pathetic ordinary members of the public are when they start thinking slightly above their station. Barrowman also plays God by making different groups in the community compete in the Devil's own karaoke. Different groups in the community like plumbers, firemen, waitresses and rapists proudly show off their lack of dignity at the court of King John while he claps and throws his own shit at them. He's such a smarmy, untrustworthy cunt. Why can't we have John Leslie back? Better the Devil you know, that's all I'm saying....

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, Tonight's The Night then has a competition where idiots dress up as aliens and Barrowman and others just as bad as him pick the best one. The prize is too horrible to even think about. The winner gets to be in an episode of Doctor Who in a scene filmed on the TARDIS. I AM NEVER PAYING MY LICENCE FEE EVER AGAIN. Why not get them to dress up as corpses and the best one gets to be in an episode of the News?

iPlayer is becoming the bane of my life. I shouldn't be waking up, switching the computer on and just upsetting myself. It's depressing. How long is this crappy variety TV going to go on for? Fucking ballroom dancing and cheesey singing and Britains Got Bastards and all that other crap that gets flung at us. I'm telling you now, BBC (because they read this), if you made better programmes people would still watch them. Don't be afraid to make good programmes because you think that thick people will switch off. The entire country watched I, Claudius. That was good, that.

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