The last couple of days in my Croatia trip have been just as relaxing as the rest. I never thought that, as a man who basically does fuck all, I could ever do less than I normally do but I'm an achiever. If there is more fuck all out there to do then I shall grasp that sleeping bull by the horns and just do an almighty amount of nothing. Yeah, doing less than nothing is certainly a first for me and I'm very proud of myself for ticking that box successfully. The Devil finds work for idle hands. Not mine, I'm just that idle.
That wasn't the only first that I achieved on this trip either, I also got sunburnt for the first time. I'm so horribly pale that I normally just reflect the sun back on to itself but this time the sun tried extra hard and now I have two stingingly painful streaks of burn all down my legs. I look a bit like bacon. Vegetarian bacon, of course. I've actually been jealous of sunburnt people before. Seeing people complain about their lobster faces or their fried arms used to fuck me right off due to the sun's rudeness. At least it noticed them, it ignored me. But now, probably thanks to my appearances in The Trap Sodcast, the sun has finally taken notice and it fucking aches. I'm not good with pain at the best of times and mild irritation is like having my eyes gouged out and shoved through the eye of my penis while I shit an anvil. I'm playing up this small bit of sunburn brilliantly. I reckon one more sobbing phone call and I can get my mum to come over from Northern Ireland and make me soup.
I loved Croatia and recommend that you go on a holiday as soon as you can. Not necessarily to Croatia, you might not like it, but somewhere. Holiday is a great idea. It's pretty much my favourite thing right now. I'm all about Judith Charmers over here. Do give Croatia a thought, though. Here are my Top Ten Favourite Things About Croatia. You'll be booking that trip in no time!
1. It's where Goths go on holiday! Seriously. I saw them sunbathing. It's a bit like seeing a nun fucking a protestant. It's just wrong.
2. Bread in breadcrumbs. Unbelievably, this is what they call French Toast.
3. Hotels have a "Complaintment Department".
4. Deep-fried Brussels Sprouts. Take that, Scotland!
5. People look at you like a twat when you order a Pivo and they bring you a Heineken or a Lowenbrau or a Budweiser or something. You wanted a Pivo. While you're here you should try out the local brew. Oh, yeah, you argue with the cunts. You keep telling them "Pivo, please. Pivo. Pivo. PIVO!" but they always bring a beer that you could get anywhere and when you point out that that's not what you want they tell you that that's what you ordered. You fucking didn't order a fucking Fosters, you ordered a Pivo. What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Is Pivo a drink that's for Croatian's only? Grow the fuck up, you fucki...oh, pivo means beer. Fine. Heineken, please.
6. Their cornflakes look and taste like psoriasis.
That's my Top Ten, holidaymakers. Hope that helps. Back to real life now. Hope all's OK. Has Peter Kay done anything since I've been gone?