Wednesday, 27 May 2009

When Do I Get To Sing "My Way"?

Is there a point in watching Britain's Got Talent? Surprisingly, yes. Not every single act on the show is desperate for fame and comes across like they would kill their own children if it meant they'd get talked about for a little while. Some of these acts are simply there to waste people's time. That has to be admired.

A grown man got a three minute slot on prime time TV by wearing a Darth Vader helmet and lethargically shuffling around to a Michael Jackson song. He was called Darth Jackson. BRILLIANT! The man didn't even attempt to entertain, he just turned up and was the focus of the night's biggest TV show for a while. He took the piss. Therefore, I love him. I won't vote for him (that would take way more effort than he put in to his act) but I want him to win. Not long after Darth was a lady who's talent was being a bit pretty and being able to twirl a little bit. I don't know what she was supposed to be. A dancer, maybe? Or someone who was having a really slow nervous breakdown? Then came Nick Hell who was such a time waster that even the judges noticed. He came on stage, went out of his mind with a pick axe while his worn out girlfriend stood beside him passing him more and more dangerous objects to shove down his throat. In a way, it was like watching Brian Damage and Crystal but without the jokes, charm or joy.

That was pretty much the show. Yeah, there were a couple of boring turds who went on crying about how much this meant to them and how they were doing this for their dead gerbils and how they're going to give it their everything but, generally, people were just arsing around. I applaud them for it. Last year at the end of the Edinburgh Festival every comedian there talked about how they were going to put IF.COMEDY AWARD WINNER on their 2009 poster just to take the piss out of the pointlessness of it all. I pretty much knew then that everyone would chicken out of it and it looks like they have. But these people saw a chance to take the piss out of this addiction to crap variety that we have suffered from since the beginning of the 21st century and they took it. They are heroes.

Shame Susan Boyle just isn't very good. Still, compared to Amanda cunting Holden she is talent personified. When the next semi-finalists were announced none of their disbelief could come close to the permanent look of surprise on Amanda's very expensive face.

Not only does Britain not have any talent but neither do I. I did a seemingly lovely gig in Tring last night that was going fine until I opened a door to a cunt called Adam. Not that it was completely his fault. I shouldn't have spoken to him at all. I should have ignored his contributions but I didn't and the more I let him have his say the more I could feel the audience just drift away from me. Shame because I think I would have had fun if I'd simply done my job. It wasn't totally awful. Adam went out to get beer at one point and I got the audience back with some very tried and tested material. A good time to get off stage, I thought. It wasn't the material I wanted to do but the staring ovation the audience gave me because of my Adam fuck-up meant I had to just bite the bullet. Robin Ince went on after me and was upsettingly superb. God, I hate him.

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