Although I really enjoyed my long weekend in Edinburgh, I’m still slightly miffed at the amount of time I wasted doing nothing. It’s amazing and depressing how often this can occur when you have a job that’s as glamorous and exciting as a stand-up comedian’s. Pretty much, we don’t know how to cope with daytime.
Sure, I’ve packed some classic books on weekend trips all over the world. Love In the Time of Cholera to Singapore, Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas to Amsterdam, The Sound of Laughter to Nottingham but have I read any of them? Fuck, no. That would be somehow spending my time wisely. That’s never going to happen. I’m a stand-up comedian (in a way) and must spend my free time in strange places shuffling.
But I’ve come up with at least one amusing way to pass a little bit of time, plus it might actually feel like I’ve achieved something in my thrown-away life. It’s Joe Heenan’s fault, sort of. He compered the Edinburgh gigs and during the intervals we talked a lot about how time gets dumped on these trips away from home. More importantly, we both mused, the amount of time touching your winkie goes WAY up. Winkie touching does get to be an almost default setting to the easily bored. I’m not saying its constant; I’m just saying that it’s easy to fall back on a wank when you’re bored. It’s like Joe said, it’s better than watching Channel 4 Racing. And that’s when I had my good idea. You can stop reading this now, If you like. Especially if you’re related to me.
It’s a game, of sorts, and it’s called Beat The Horse. The rules are very simple. Switch on Channel 4 Racing and, basically, when the race starts so do you. You MUST finish before the horses do. Now, this game might not be for everyone (not everyone has that competitive edge that I have) and you must be careful to do it properly. Safety first and all that. Firstly, make sure that your hotel room door is locked. The last thing you want is housekeeping walking in while you’re playing a game of Beat The Horse. They might just see it as a man who fancies animals as opposed to a normal man who likes passing the time playing competitive games. Secondly, make sure you have a tissue handy. You’ll need something to rip up in frustration when you lose.
So, it wasn’t a totally wasted weekend. At least I invented a game. Don't think it's sexist either. Women who want to wank off cocks during horse races are very welcome to do so. And now I’m in Croatia. I’ve no idea how that happened.