The Idiot.

Even when I do nothing I get into trouble.

I went to a horrible, horrible bar in The Players Theatre underneath Charing Cross station last night. It's such a wanky bum-hole of a place filled with very pretentious drama students who either seem to be waving their 8x10's around, doing bits of their audition speeches or, most horrible of all, singing. It goes without saying that there was nowhere else nearby to drink in. There's a piano in the bar and normally I love piano bars but not when there's a bunch of pretentious cunts singing in fucking harmonies all around me. It was like a Wetherspoons had been invaded by The Kids from Fame who are all now drunk and crap.

There I was just standing there, minding my own business, quietly seething to myself when this idiot turned to me and said "Are you just jealous because she got a better reception than you?" I was a bit baffled by this. It didn't link to anything that was going on at all. I asked the idiot to repeat himself. He pointed to the woman playing piano and said "You're just pissed off because she's doing better than you" By now I had assumed he'd checked out my career and found out that I wasn't doing as well as someone playing piano once a week in a crap bar under a train station. He's right, of course, but I didn't come out to have my nose rubbed in it. I told the idiot that I wasn't a fan of this sort of thing ie Extras from The Bill so drunk that they think they're in Rent. He then pointed out that the piano player got a much better response than I did when I played. Now I was very baffled. "Er...That wasn't me. I can't play the piano", I told him. He went very red and turned away to face his friends. I laughed a lot. Then John Voce arrived and I told him what had happened. We both laughed. The idiot's friend tapped John on the shoulder and said "Tell your friend to stop talking about my friend". That's just stupid. I had every right to talk to my friend about the idiot. The idiot had tried to start an argument and realised it was a case of mistaken identity. He could have said sorry but no, he just turned his back to me.

The thing is, they were drama students - quite possibly the least scary (but most annoying) people in existence. John and I have had encounters with very pretentious drama students before. We once told a drama student that we were producers and were casting at the moment. He got very intense with us so, to see if he was right for the part, we asked him to repeatedly punch himself in the face. He did this willingly. The massive twat. So, being threatened by a drama student is a bit like being bitten by a leaf. It's not going to hurt. Eventually, the idiot's two friends started talking to John and they all got on well but the idiot still refused to turn round and acknowledge that he'd just been unnecessarily rude to a complete stranger. The piano player who he thought was me then returned for a few more songs. He was very handsome. Thanks, mate.

I was out drinking in strange places because my cousin, Patti, is visiting from San Francisco. Patti and I moved to London together nearly 20 years ago and there's no way I would have had the sense to make a move like that. I am forever in her debt. She pointed London out to me as well as The Smiths and how I didn't need to have a mullett or wear stonewash jeans all the time. In many ways, Patti invented me so if you have a problem with anything or everything that I do then go and talk to her. It's all her fault. I love her dearly but, of course, will never tell her that because that would be well gay.

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