Lazy Coward.

Edinburgh is a phenomenal city. Literally, phenomenal. The sun was beaming down on it all day yesterday and yet rain fell on one street. It seemed a bit weird walking down this one little street and getting rained on only for it to stop when I turned the corner but it was even weirder when it happened again on my way back. I stood and watched it for a few minutes trying to figure out how this could happen but as Edinburgh is a mystery wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a puzzle and I know fuck not nothing about the mechanics of rain I left baffled. I like baffled.

I've been to Edinburgh more times than I can remember and every time I'm there Arthur's Seat says "You still haven't been up here yet, have you?" and I always reply "No, Arthur's Seat, but I definitely will do it this time". Then I go to Forbidden Planet and pretend that Arthur's Seat doesn't exist. I was so determined yesterday morning that I wouldn't waste a day due to hungover difficulties that I decided the time to conquer Arthur's Seat had finally arrived. I was going to climb it! Well, walk up it. It was such a beautiful day that seeing Edinburgh, surely Britain's most beautiful city, in all it's glory was the only option to take. And I almost took it. I walked all the way down to the bottom of Arthur's Seat and was ready to make the walk all the way to the top when I noticed that I couldn't be bothered. It's fucking massive and the thing is the closer you get to it the bigger it appears. How does that happen? It's Edinburgh. Phenomenal Edinburgh. I turned my back to Arthur's Seat and proceeded to Forbidden Planet. I have now decided that I will NEVER go up Arthur's Seat. I will set up a Facebook group for other people who will NEVER go up Arthur's Seat later. Join me.

The day wasn't a total waste (it was) because yesterday I popped my Star Trek cherry. Although I've seen some of the films and consider The Wrath of Khan to be one of the greatest things that anyone has done ever, I've never watched a TV episode. Now I've watched six. Six violent, sexist episodes of this iconic violent, sexist sci-fi classic. Here's what I have learned about the 23rd century: Women are shit. Even Spock, a Vulcan who is motivated only by extreme logic, repeatedly punches a woman until she is unconscious. That's the first episode. Then, just a few episodes later, Captain Kirk tries to rape someone. How the fuck did this get a second series? Even bit part characters are creepy fucking pervs. In episode 2, Charley X, a 17 year old tries to rape the same woman Kirk does WITH HIS MIND. And cock, of course. Later, a charming Irish man boards the Enterprise and, yeah fuck it, pimps out three women to the crew. If any of you lovely ladies are still boo-hooing about equality or fair pay or what time Coronation Street is on or whatever it is you moo about then spare a thought for how shit it's going to be in 200 years time. Apparently, we're going to get medieval on your ass. Sorry about that.

Last night at The Stand was a let down. The audience were great and the other acts on the bill were fantastic but I chickened out of doing two new bits of material and I feel like a big coward. I did do some new stuff (yeah, the Maddie joke) but I fucked about and fucked about and just didn't do it. If you can't do new material at The Stand on a Sunday night then YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT, is my motto. Still, the gig was good and about 95% of the audience liked me, the other 5% LOATHED me so that's an achievement in itself. If I have ruined their evening in any way, I am happy. Very big thanks to the nice people of Twitterland who came down to The Stand this weekend. You're very nice.

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