Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Having a Fit.

Something really weird happened to me yesterday, something a little bit out of character. There I was lying on my sofa mumbling at the TV while hungover (hang on, we're getting to the weird bit) when all of a sudden I took a look at myself, decided that what I saw was awful and went for a two mile run.

I went running! That's about as likely as Stephen Hawking doing Jazzercise, but somehow it happened. It's incredible the amount of energy a spot of proper self-loathing will give you. The thing is, I was lying on that sofa, crying and dribbling, for hours. I think I watched about 8 episodes of Family guy while continually telling myself that I will get up and do something in five more minutes even if its just to open the curtains. That's exercise, in a way. I think I was just giving myself a warning. Two miles isn't that much to run but it knackered me and if I lie on the sofa doing fuck all for hours and hours ever again THIS is what will happen. I'll be wearing shorts (bad enough) and out there running (nightmare).

I'm very glad I did it though. It made me feel a lot better despite me thinking I was going to throw up my own heart at the end of it. It's a good way to sort your head out as well as your body. Just running on your own gives you time to think clearly, take stock of what's happening and what needs to be done. Turns out, I'm fucked. But it was nice to spend time with Jerk who ran along side me the whole time, constantly looking up to me as if to say "What the fuck are you attempting, you fat wheezing embarrassment?" Then, just before my chest exploded with the shock of me moving around, I saw something that made getting off my lazy, stupid, pale arse all worthwhile. I saw three ducks having a race on a proper running track. They ran for about a minute and even had a lane each. It was like one of those sweetly nearly-amusing moments that you see on You've Been Framed but did I have my video camera with me? NO! That's another £50 that's slipped through my fingers. As I was looking for an excuse to stop running, I watched the competitive little ducks, smiling while my body screamed for mercy. It was fun to watch. Not in a Beat The Horse way (despite the heavy breathing and floods of sweat coming from me), that would be wrong, I thought. It's fine to masturbate competitively while watching horses. Horse racing is the sport of Kings and therefore Beat The Horse is the way a King would wank, obviously. But Beat The Duck? That's just wrong. If you wank while looking at a duck then you're a paedophile and you disgust me. Oh, the mallard won, by the way.

You know what? If you want to wank while looking at ducks, go ahead. Sorry for what I said earlier, it was a bit right-wing of me to force my own views on to you but I have an excuse. I'm very easily manipulated and, when I came home to do all my post-run collapsing, I noticed that the BNP had posted a leaflet through my letterbox. Now, I'm not saying that the BNP have all or any of the answers (Unless the question is "Was Hitler lovely?"), but you have to admire/be alarmed at their massive balls. They come to your house and post right-wing arsery through your letterbox, not as a threat but as an invitation. Incredible! Firstly, the leaflet tells you all the things that the BNP are saying no to (pretty much everything) then it tells you the one thing they're saying yes to: British people. By British people they mean white British people. It then goes on to remind us how "we" have earned our rights in this country by listing some wars that none of us were in. Wars like The Battle of Trafalgar, The Somme and The Time War. My favourite bit though is the back of the leaflet where it says "Why We're ALL Voting BNP" and then gives the opinion of two people. One's a doctor who will now surely be struck off for showing prejudice and the other is an old person smiling broadly at the thought of sending the asylum seekers he never sees or has anything to do with back on the boat they came over on. Who the fuck would agree to have their photo on a BNP leaflet? Are you that stupid that you won't think that everyone is going to loathe you? On the front there's an entire family of cunts smiling at the camera. Well done, you two pricks, for dragging your own children into your pool of hate. By the way, it gives you a number to call if you want a free poster to display in your window. I might get one. I need to get new windows but I don't want to pay to have the old ones removed. At the bottom of the leaflet it says "Please Recycle". I can't believe I'm doing something the BNP told me to do.

I'm forgetting too much stuff to put in my blog. I should keep notes. On Saturday, Johnny and I saw a headline on the front page of the Manchester Evening News that read "Go on, Jade! You can do it!" Nice sentiment if rather late.

It's not that weird for me to go out running. I used to do it a lot a few years ago but then I started getting in to Buffy and Lost and Dexter so it got put to one side. Even after the run I sat down and watched Crank. Thank fuck that's not a TV series as it's the greatest thing I've ever seen ever ever and my life would be ruined if I had to devote time to that as well as all my other time-wasting activities. Think I'll dust off my bicycle today.


ekcol said...

The "Why we're voting BNP" people are all just photos from a stock photography website, apparently. So they're twats, and they're not even real.

Michael Legge said...

Have you seen the flyer? It's hilarious.