Thursday, 8 January 2009

Wii Bitch.

I went to see Avenue Q last night and to my utter disappointment I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don't like musicals very much and as for comedy? Forget it. But this was a comedy musical so I went there with a raincloud over my head (metaphorically), a volcano in my belly (metaphorically) and a gun (real) expecting the worst night of my life since the time Hitler told me he was my real dad after I caught him in bed with my girlfriend on 9/11. Puppets are great, way better than fucking, wanker actors. And I should know because after the show we went to The Players' Theatre Bar which is everything you should be terrified of. It's FULL of diseased animals far worse than actors, they're drama students, surely the worst scum on this planet. Fuck what's happening with Gaza, trying to have a quiet drink while these fuckwits gather round a piano and foghorn out a song to rounds of applause from their fellow sycophantic balls of embarrassment is about as much as the human body and mind can take. One extra on The Bill herself actually took a song from Wicked, held it down, pushed her thumbs in its eyes and screamed the Satanic Rites at it. Then everyone clapped and asked her to pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease sing another. I left. Is there anywhere on this planet that doesn't celebrate and promote dickheads?

Here's my latest recommendation for you. Never ever ever buy a Wii Fit. It's the worst girlfriend you will ever have. Admittedly, the Wii Fit is better looking, more intelligent and less expensive than most women I've been with but it doesn't stop giving you crap. I hadn't used it for a couple of days and when I switched it on it asked where I'd been. "I hope you've been keeping fit in other ways", it awfulled to me. It then reminded me that to keep my maximum fitness level I would have to use the Wii Fit every day. "That's OK, right?", it said and like a spineless pushover I just caved in and pushed A (our equivalent of saying Yes). Now it's telling me that I've put on 1lb in the last week. WHY? You're supposed to use the Wii Fit EVERY SINGLE DAY. How are you putting on weight? Drinking too much? Eating too much? WHICH IS IT, CHUNKY? I WON'T BE IGNORED. It abused me this way for about 10 minutes yesterday but I still agreed to continue with "The Programme". I'm slightly scared to come home these days. Isn't there a Wii Abused User Hotline? I can't just unplug it like so many other girlfriends. I need help.

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