Monday, 12 January 2009


The tables have finally been turned, my friend. This morning I saw the shoe on the other foot right under my nose in front of my face. I was queuing up to buy T/Gel Shampoo for my zombie head at Superdrug and the man in front of me was taking an overly long time to complete his transaction. The shop assistant looked embarrassed because the man talked long and loud in his Eastern European accent about the items he'd brought to the till. It's not really that important that he had an Eastern European accent but, in a way, it is. I personally just think what was being said sounds funnier in very loud broken english. I know that might come across as racist but, fuck it, all I have to do is say sorry and that absolves me of any racist comment I may have said, apparently. (The thing about thick, over-priveleged, hateful penis Prince Harry is that I don't think Sorry is enough. I think it all has to be evened up. He should go on the news with a member of the UK Pakistani community who will turn to Prince Harry and call him a bastard. Actually, even that's not fair. Paki is a derogatory comment used to demean and abuse Asians, not even just Pakistanis most of the time, whereas Prince Harry actually is a bona fide bastard. Yes, he was born within wedlock but...well, you know. So maybe the member of the UK Pakistani community should say something like "Excuse me, Bastard, but your mum is a stupid yacht loving, rugby player fucking, parasitic, over-hyped, dead slag". Only that, in my eyes, can end this racism and bring our two communities together properly. Harry, the ball is in your over-priveleged nazi court.) 

The man couldn't figure out which type of condom to buy so brought four or five different types to the till. His questions ranged from a quite loud "Which one is good and thin?" to an extremely loud "If you like them then I will like them" (which isn't really a question but it made me laugh). All the time the man behind the counter was becoming more uncomfortable and embarrassed by the question's thrown at him, especially in the cheery, friendly, we're-best-buddies-now manner in which they were thrown. There was a time that buying condoms was more embarrassing than being caught naked with your finger in a stolen badger but now, thanks to the mental breakdown of our modern politically correct world, it is us who are confident about talking about what goes on the end of our cocks and the shop assistant's normal smug "I-know-what-you're-after" look has dissappeared. Too bad, Grandad, that's how we are in 2009. We can buy condoms without (or very nearly without) shame and if you don't like it, well fuck you, Mr. Ancient Old Fuddy-Duddy Chemist Man! Admitedly, he was only about 18 but I still enjoyed the tide turn all the same.   

I'm a little bit scared of the recent Volkswagen advert. I find identical twins quite a scary thing anyway but the thought of several people that looked exactly like you is very creepy indeed. Especially when all they want to do is knock your face in. If that happened to me I'd be dead in no time, due to me hating me but loving confrontation. Of course, I fight like a drowning windmill so it would probably take ages afterall. At least that equally creepy Christmas Coca-Cola advert isn't still on. That was very upsetting. If you didn't see it, a very young girl on her own is ice-skating and accidentally bumps into Father Christmas, Jesus' boss, and he hands her two bottles of Coke. Why would he give her TWO bottles of the delicious and evil beverage? There's only one of her. But then a young man bumps into her and she immediately fancies him and what better than Coke to use as an ice-breaker (The Titanic? HA HA HA HA HA HA! Seriously, you can have that). She then hands the young man a Coke and off they go ice-skating together. Time starts moving very quickly and we see the young couple getting married, having a child and becoming middle-aged. The ad finishes with Santa bumping into a woman in her 60's with her grandchild. It's the woman who bumped into him earlier in the advert but she's all old now! The old woman has two Cokes and gives one to Father Christmas. Now, what is that saying? Is it saying, Here's that Coke I owe you, Santa. Or, much more likely, is it saying, My husband's dead now, Santa, fancy a fuck? Either way, it's disgusting! Although, not so much the former. Making a move on Santa right in front of your granddaughter right after your husband's death is still nowhere near as immoral as this advert. Iggy, Iggy, Iggy.....

You know what? I'm not really enjoying 2009. It's less than two weeks old and it's been shit (but with some very nice, fleeting moments). But there is one thing that is bringing me some joy in these awful days and, like everything that is important to me, it is utterly trivial. My friends Anna and Anthony bought me a mug in the shape of Darth Vader's head. It's also about the same size as Darth Vader's head. It's a thing of beauty. Maybe that's what 2009 will be about. Clinging on to the little things in life that make you happy and having a big Darth Vader mug. 


gunnerboy said...

Thank you, thank you. I have already used the "stolen badger" line twice this morning already. People are responding with dangerously high levels of laughter. You should think about taking up comedy.

Michael Legge said...

I've thought about it, Gunnerboy, but it's not really my thing.