Friday, 30 January 2009


Drinking is great. It makes everything you do excusable. Been rude at a dinner party? That's OK, you've had a few drinks. Started a big fight? Well, you've had a skin full, I'm not surprised. Raped and murdered everyone you've ever heard of and then watched The Cowards on BBC4? OK, you've had enough. Booze can get you off with nearly anything. Generally, I love people who drink. Not alcoholics, they're probably not a lot of laughs but people who like to go to pubs and hang out. My favourite people all like hanging out in pubs drinking and it's pretty much the way that I've got to know and love anyone that I've ever got to know and love. Of, course some people don't like people who drink and that is exactly the way I feel about people who like football.

There's nothing much worse than getting to know someone, really liking them and their company and then finding out that they love football. Something just goes in my gut when that happens. It's like I'm all of a sudden completely disappointed in them. I thought they were clever and they weren't. They were a big, thick, pig-ignorant, violent, baby-stealing, animal-fucking, shed-painting football fan. There is nothing much worse than that but there is NOTHING worse than football. It's a terrible idea and, in case some people have forgotten, only a game. Only a game. A game that somehow, unfathomably, has found it's way onto television. I hate sitting in the same room as someone who's playing a video game (is that what they're called nowadays? Is nowadays still a word?) yet millions of brainless idiots all over the world pay money to sit at home, go to the pub or, God forbid, go to a football ground and watch other people play a game that they like but don't play themselves. It doesn't make sense. Why would you want to do that? How could you want to do that? Surely, playing the game can only be better than watching it. Why are these people wasting their time? And their use of the word "we" is very questionable. "We" didn't win because, you fat prick, "we" weren't playing. Professional football players were. Professional football players from somewhere other than the town they're representing were playing. So even if by "We" they meant "Liverpool", they were still wrong because Juanitos Cuarlingdelaguarlos is from Portugal not Kirby. And apart from anything else, it's dull. Very, very dull. It's slow, repetitive and looooooooooooooooooooooong. The culture linked to football is so utterly repugnant that you would think that anyone who actually truly loved footsie would have nothing to do with it because of what goes with it. Violence, racism, gang warfare and shamelessly painting your face like the "slow" adult who ruins a child's birthday party is enough to avoid this horrible part of this country's culture without actually having to plough through a tedious fucking football match too. And that's how I feel when people I like say things like "Did you catch the score today?" Maybe that's how they feel when I say things like "Who's your favourite Sontaran?" I hope so.

Last night I had none of that. I went out drinking with REAL MEN. REAL MEN who don't like sport (except for Bennett and Dan, and even Dan doesn't like it that much) and instead of wasting our precious time on this planet shouting at men who play a game better than we do we concentrated firmly on Karaoke. There were girls there too so don't think we're weird or anything. King of Everything duetted together but neither of us can remember what we sang. Now that's the mark of a dignified evening.

I'm writing this while watching Snuffbox. Why can't all the BBC's comedies be like this? If you haven't seen it then I would like nothing more than to force you to watch it. You will thank me.

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