Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Chwist Almighty!

Ha ha ha!!! I said "Chwist" because I'm going to write about Jonathan Ross, a man who has a very slight lisp. That is brilliant! I love it when he does something completely, boringly uncontroversial because it always ends up in Britain's equivalent of a newspaper and the headline is always something like "Wossy Nearly Says Piss In Front Of War Hero's Tea". HA HA HA HA HA!!! They called him Wossy because he has a lisp. I love it! That is sooooooooooooooooo imaginative and has been for about 20 years. Wossy! HA HA HA! Brilliant! I wish he was paralysed too because I bet the tabloids would give him an equally hilarious nickname every time he did absolutely fuck all of any interest. Probably "Cwipple" or something". Brilliant!

People who are bored out of their minds are asking for Wossy to be shot dead on live TV again because of a thing he said about a Spanish pensioner. I think he should be Knighted for what he said and given a castle full of money. The man is a saint. He said that his producer should have fucked an old woman. If someone said that to me I'd say something like "Yuk! No way, man. Old women are ugly and leathery. I'm not putting my lovely young penis anywhere near that. Count me out, Sunshine. Hello? Did I miss a meeting?" because I am a big twat. But Sir Wossy doesn't care about age, just love. What he was trying to say was that we should care more for the elderly, take them out on daytrips, visit them occassionally and, yes, if it makes them happy, fuck them. The only reason YOU and your other Nazi friends think it's disgusting is because you don't have the caring, open mind that Jonathan has. He would gladly pick biscuit crumbs out of his pubes for a week if it meant that some lovely old dear got his A-game, a servicing and the "little death" from him. If you have any goodness in you, then you will write to the BBC immediately telling them that you support Jonathan Ross' good work with the elderly in the community and confirm that you too will fuck an old woman in your area, giving details of who, how and what war you will be discussing afterwards. That's all I'm saying.

I saw Frost/Nixon last night. It's excellent. I really wanted to see The Wrestler but was put off when a BAFTA member told me that it was just like Rocky. I love Rocky but I'm happy with Rocky the way it is, I didn't need to see a wrestling version. So I saw Frost/Nixon which is about a man who no-one believed in, even the team behind him. They thought that he had no chance of beating his opponent but in the end showed that, although it wasn't a complete triumph, he'd proven himself and shown the world a different side to the man he was trying to beat. Then he shouts Adrian and it was all over. I can't wait for Frost/Drago.


JvdB said...

God I'm a fucking pedant, but Wossy doesn't have a lisp, it's a rhotacism, difficulty with the letter r. It follows the rule that all speech impediment names must highlight exactly what the speaker can't say to maximize laughter.

Michael Legge said...

I bow to your greater knowledge. Thanks!