Thursday, 18 September 2008

Toilet is Gay.

Facebook has gone ego crazy. I don't know if it's the new change to Facebook has meant easier access to egotists on Facebook or a lot of people are thinking "Hmmm...only 98 shopping days to christmas. Better let everyone know that I'm headling The Laughing Piss in Amersham". It just seems a lot of status updates have gone mental but then so has New Facebook's fucking annoying spam usage. My inbox is now full of cunts telling me about their gigs, cunts telling me about their charity do's and Janey Godley bragging about how adorable her great-great-grandaughter is (she's a child, Janey. ALL children should be invisible and not heard). That's why I prefer MySpace. They have a bulletin board where if you want to say something, you can do and it's up to people to figure out if they want to read it or not. You can't ram it down their in-box. Plus, although you can change your status on MySpace, it's not as prominent and, generally, they seem less egotistical. Plusser, no-one ever goes there. It's very serene.

And, yes, my status updates are more big headed too. I think if you can lie for no reason then so can I.

I had a really enjoyable gig last night. Unfortunately, the good gig was very much split between two gigs. At the 99 Club in the Ku Bar near Leicester Square I had a great time for 15 minutes but then it all fizzled out. I even said on stage how I hadn't been funny for the last 5 minutes. How grateful I was for the ballbag in the audience to point out that I actually hadn't been funny for 7 minutes. What really disturbed me about the gig was going to the toilet. The Ku Bar is a gay bar (but they had the straightest gay people I've ever met in the audience) and as a modern, 2008 kinda guy I felt totally comfortable being a straight man in a gay toilet doing my smelly straight business. Sadly, the cubicle was locked but that didn't stop some total cuntbag from barging in in front of me, turning the lock on the door from the outside with a coin and screaming at the two people in the cubicle "If you don't give me my fucking gear I'll fucking kill you". I was immediately put off going to the toilet. A shame, as I was suddenly shitting myself. When I told the story to Trevor Lock he said, with a world weary look of experience, "Never use the toilet here. That's where the sex and drug deals happen". No it fucking isn't. It's a fucking PUBLIC TOILET. It's where we shit. That's the only shit that should go down; my shit. My shit first, drug business second, OK? But the audience were fun (for 15 minutes) and then I went off to wait and wait and wait before doing my second 99 Club gig at The Roundhouse. They tolerated me with a staring ovation for fifteen minutes but in the end I broke their will and they laughed. It's very hard to do a gig in a tiny room where people are inches away from your face and no-one is laughing. I'm sure I'll get used to it.

Trevor Lock, on the other hand, was very funny. If I find out that he spontaneously made all that up I'll be ill, so don't tell me.

Right. it's only about half 8 in the morning. I've still got time to walk the dog with Gribbo (that's a man, not a dog), finish off some work with Gribbo (seriously, he's a man) and watch last night's When Women Rule The World (I just know it's going to make my blood vomit) before making the 5 hour trip to tonight's gig. Have a good day everyone and don't forget to update your status to something mental. Ta ta!

No comments: