Sunday, 7 September 2008

Doctor Who Vs. Cunt

The great thing about going on first at a comedy gig is that you can get home in time to see Most Annoying Couples on BBC 3. There's nothing better than coming home to find that this cunt-soup of a TV programme is the best thing on and you know you've got four hours to go before you even start to feel sleepy and go to bed. Apart from uncovering the incredible revelations that Amy Winehouse is not Neil & Christine Hamilton's cup of tea (to be fair, they like rape) and Kerry Katona is the ugliest, most useless, most kickable Hutt in the clan, my favourite part was hearing from chilled out feminist punch-bag James Jeffries. Apparently, when it comes to Heather McCartney, he feels that "how fucking awful do you have to be when you're crippled and still the nation hates you?" Well, Jim, ever heard of a little dictator called DAVROS? Yeah, Jim! Take it! Or is Davros too real for you, maaaaaaaaaan? Mind you, I wore the twat hat and did a talking head show for Channel 4 years ago. I became the first person on British television to call Richard Blackwood a cunt. But not the last, obviously.

Then I watched Comedy Connections on BBC 2 or something. This week's edition focused on the Benny Hill joke that is Little Britain starring the very funny Matt Lucas and a bag of smug. Matt, although he's great, made the faux pas of describing writing Little Britain as "laborious". Need I say anymore? I am, of course, just jealous that they work with Tom Baker and I don't. Mind you, I occasionally work with Harry Denford and they NEVER do. Who's laughing now? Absolutely no one.

Last night's gig at Reading was pretty good. The people who work at Jongleurs Reading are very lovely indeed and the audience were mostly good, with the exception of some constantly chatty cunts. I tried out two new jokes! One got a laugh! That's not bad. It's going to take a bit of time and a lot of work before I'm happy with my set (No shit, Detective Einstein) but I'm very happy to be working on it bit by bit and, after doing stand up for so long, it's about time I did some work. All in all, last night was fun. Kevin McCarthy compered and it was good to see Geoff Norcott doing so well (he headlined, only two months ago he was in charge of photocopying the drinks vouchers). Rick Right was also on. I didn't stay to watch because….well, you know. Someone has to watch Most Annoying Couples, right?

And I'm glad I left when I did otherwise I would have missed seeing the most British man in history on the train. A man sat opposite me had a huge painting resting beside him while he read his Tony Parsons' book, I Used To Be A Punk Now Look At Me. Then a very drunk woman got on board and stood very near the painting and continually wobbled, swaying perilously close to the painting every time. Mr. Britain was furious and asked her to be careful. This, she thought, was the most hysterically funny thing she'd ever heard, which annoyed Mr. Britain all the more. She continued to wobble but did he try to protect his precious painting? Did he get up and stand between it and Drunky McGiggles? NO! Because he is British and he has a seat and he's not giving that up for anyone. Not sure how amusing that is in a blog but in years to come I'll read this and go, yeah, that was slightly funny if you were there. Sort of.

Doctor Who References: Two. Cunts: Three. Cunt wins.

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