Thursday, 25 September 2008

An Evening with Paul Ross.

I got ill yesterday and spent most of the day removing stuff from my nose. It's still going and shows no signs of stopping. There just so much stuff coming out of one nose. I don't know how much stuff is coming out of your nose right now but it will be nothing compared to the massive volume sliming it's way out of mine. I've got a cold but I'm acting like I've caught a disease that's somewhere between the one in Outbreak and the one in Philadelphia. I'm so bored of it already because everything I do is stopped due to snot. I think I'll just pop the kettle on, oh no, I won't as every pissing thing in my body is coming out my nose. It's really depressing.

It's not all bad though because last night I had a half hour of pure unmitigated joy. It might have been the happiest, most blissful moment of my entire life. Last night at 8.30 I turned to Bid.TV and watched Paul Ross' DVD Evening. It was fucking amazing. Paul Ross, former World's Biggest Cunt (he's not even good at being a cunt anymore), sits in a studio the size of a midget's stamp and basically begs for money. Sure, he's pretending that he's giving us an incredible bargain on the complete A-Team boxset, but it's begging really and his fat little desperate face has "M-m-m-mercy" written all over it. When he holds his hand out to show what a great friend he is to offer you The Best of Poirot at such a low, low price it looks even more of a tortured cry for help. After a while I muted the TV and as his flapping mouth kept moving I just threw bits of bread at him. It was honestly a very fun night in. Tuesday nights, Bid.TV, 8.30. Don't miss it.

My incredible joy was beaten, raped and left for dead not long after because very soon I'd be watching the greatest excuse for global genocide ever; Keith Lemon's Celebrity Juice. How the fuck did this cunting pile of agonising ball-throb ever happen? Who the fuck is responsible? Keith Lemon is a comedy character who is as thick as pig cement, has no talent whatsoever and yet wants to become famous. How it's creator Leigh Francis came up with the idea I have absolutely every idea. "Keith" hosts the ITV2 panel show along with two team captains, Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton, both finally looking embarrassed at something they're in. They're joined by celebrities who then go through a series of spunk-obssessed rounds of questions based on what show-biz folk have been up to that week - with HILARIOUS consequences! Apparently, George Michael was in Wham and now he's a homosexual! FUCKING BRILLIANT! At least some of the celebrities looked furious and agent-sacky throughout the show. Dermott O'Leary, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and some cunt who has a gossip column looked bored and upset. Paddy McGuinness, obviously, couldn't believe his luck. Can we put an end to all this shitty TV comedy now? Please TV people, I can't take any of the rejection letters you send me seriously if you keep on making this shit.

I'm ill. I went to the gym on tuesday and wednesday. A connection? I think so. I really like going to the gym. I can put on my iPod, go on the running machine for half an hour and just be in my own little world. What I don't like is another person being anywhere near the gym while I'm there because gym people are the smuggest wankers who've ever lived. People who scream while they're on a rowing machine, or use words like "intense" when talking about a Spinning class. PRICKS. The worst ones though are the bastards who give you a dirty look when you're using weights just because they know how to use the machine "properly". Maybe I want a bad back, Mr. Fucking I Can Lift A Washing Machine With My Flacid Cock. And how untrustworthy are the orange people who work there? "All OK?" they say when they clearly mean "I think you're on the wrong setting for that machine, mate. Your face is blue and your right eye is on your left cheek". Patronising bastards. But, like I say, I do enjoy going there. What's not to like! I mean, where else but Fitness First can I get up to date DVD releases such as Poison Ivy III, Return To Poseidon II and The Taking of Pelham 123 IV.

I went there. Where's my shitty series, ITV II?

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