Tom is Hard Work.

Yesterday, I met a cock. Now, I meet cunts all the time but it's quite rare that one bumps into a cock. Cunts are quite evil really but cocks are just annoying. They're normally desperate to be your friend, try too hard and just end up looking ridiculous and getting on your nerves. You know the type. You don't? Here's one: twitter.com/mfhorne

The cock that I met was working at a sound studio in Soho. I had to do a little voiceover thing that was six words long and should have taken me less than a minute. I was there for two hours listening to Tom. Tom the cock. Tom has no malice in him, he is a very good man but if you could get away with it you would gladly fill him full of poison and then shoot him. Firstly, 50% of the time he referred to me as Mr. Legge, the rest of the time he called me Bro which isn't even short for Michael. When we met he shook my hand in that horribly, embarrassing all-fingers-over-thumb, we've-bonded kind of way, then he just said a long list of really weird things like "You look like a man who knows a beer", "Are you bigging up St. Patrick today?" (Fuck yeah, Tom. And, yo, let's give it large to St. Francis of Assisi while we're at it), and "How many gigs do you do on average per month that rake it in? Money-wise, I mean". Believe me, that was just the tip of the iceberg because Tom just could not shut up. Nor could he see that everyone else wasn't speaking in fear that he might be the only one to respond. At one point there was silence for maybe 6 minutes while the sound engineer tried to figure out what was wrong with the sound desk. No-one spoke at all. It was really nice. Then the six minutes was over when Tom got us all riveted with "Do you know where I had the best full English ever? Bang. La. Desh". Take me now, Lord.

You might think that all that was unbearable. It was. You're right. But it still wasn't as bad as his weird, weird habit that confused everyone in the room. He swore a lot. That's fine, of course, but he swore a lot and then put the word "Son" on the end of any swear word he said. "Let's get this shitson over with", "The tea here tastes like fuckingson pisson", "My name is Tom and I am an enormous fuckingson, cuntingson cockson". What the fuckson could he possibly be getting out of that? I take it back. The man's been upgraded to cunt. Congratulations, Tom.

I have a meeting in the same part of Soho this afternoon. I'm scared to go. Please go for me.

www.twitter.com/michaellegge