Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Fucking Idiots Enjoy Big Warm Globe in Sky.

A walk in the park is no walk in the park, I can tell you. In fact, I think I have several times. Sorry about that. I do spend a fair bit of time in the park though and now that we've had a few days of sort-of sunshine I feel like my park has been invaded by other people.

Other people are ridiculous. They come to the park but instead of walking their dog, or drinking heroins at 9am or shouting at grass they do weird things. Weird things like having a picnic, play tennis and look at ducks for some fucking reason. Today I saw a woman doing something really weird that only other people in the park would think of doing; Tai Chi.

At least, I think it was Tai Chi. I don't really know what Tai Chi is. Is Tai Chi the thing where you carefully move your arms and legs about the place like you're trying to fight a very slow ghost? Well, that's what this woman was doing. Now, I have absolutely no idea what Tai Chi does for you although I'm willing to bet that it's nothing. It's still quite funny to see someone doing it in a park in Lewisham. You'd think Tai Chi in public in Lewisham would be a licence to have your own head kicked in but all she got was stares. I looked at her but only because it was mad and I wanted to try to figure what, if anything, she could be getting out of it. But after 10 seconds I realised that it was rude to stare so just went on my way. Jerk, unfortunately, does not have my good manners. She stood about 12 feet away from the woman, her head cocked to one side staring at Tai Chi. I can't figure out what Tai Chi is and I'm pretty sure if it baffled me then Jerk was going through an absolute head-fuck by watching. I called Jerk away but she ignored me. So, I did the dog owner thing of if your dog ignores you then walk briskly away. They'll see you're not interested in them and come running for attention. They're very like comedians in that respect. I walked round the corner and down a little country-looking lane, confident that Jerk would be following me in a second. She didn't. I waited for her for about a minute. Then I called her again. NOTHING. Fuck this, I'll go back and get her. I walked back to where Jerk was only to see her now sitting down totally relaxed in front of Tai Chi woman, who was still slowly battling the invisible dead. That's all the proof I need. Tai Chi works. Very relaxing. If you're a dog.

This is another example of my snobbery. I have to really watch this, I think. Looking at a woman doing Tai Chi in the middle of a park in Lewisham and just assuming she's an idiot is bad. Although, reading back, it does make sense. Anyway, I feel bad that perhaps I didn't appreciate Webstocky on Sunday enough. I judged the audience, the other acts and me. That's very bad. If I sounded unappreciative of the opportunity then that was not my intention. I'm utterly grateful to Matthew Crosby for giving me the chance to read out my blogs. The fact that I barely rose to the challenge is my problem. And thank you very much to the people who were there who wrote to me saying that they enjoyed the whole show including my bits. I'm very grateful. Hopefully, this will open my mind a bit to trying other experiences. I mean, I'm a bit of a cunt so it probably won't. But thank you very much.

Then on the way back from the dog-walk a man decided to get Jerk's attention by whistling at her. This is very stupid non-dog owner behaviour. There's a very simple rule: if it's not your dog then leave it alone, you fucking idiot. But Jerk fucking LOVES whistling so she dropped her tennis ball and walked towards the fucking idiot. I then called Jerk and commanded her to get her ball and bring it to me. Unsurprisingly, the whistle was too interesting so, once again, I was ignored. She'd never heard this whistle before. It was new. To her, it was a lost Smiths album. To me, it was a noise a fucking idiot made. Then the fucking idiot decided to run and get the tennis ball. I hate it when fucking idiots throw the ball for jerk because it teaches her nothing about looking after the ball in the park. But he threw it towards me and Jerk came running. I shouted "Cheers, mate" at him, even though I didn't want to. Jerk was back at my side and we were on our way home. That's when "You could have fucking said thank you" was shouted at me. I ignored the cunt. Not only did he do something that I didn't want him to do, I thanked him for it and then got accused of being ungrateful. I THANKED HIM FOR DOING SOMETHING I HATE. That's the most courteous thing I can possibly do. The fucking idiot went back to his picnic and I vowed to teach Jerk to attack people's throats on command. Jerk skipped and wagged her tail as if she hadn't understood a thing.

I had a surprise night in last night so I caught up on telly. First of all I watched The Justin Lee Collins Show which gave me cancer of the imagination. The fat talentless cunt starts his show by singing a Tom Jones song. He sings it really well and obviously has a good voice but the thing is, the fat talentless cunt doesn't realise that that's not the point. You're not supposed to start a show by singing a Tom Jones song. It wastes time and is upsetting. He then went on to interview Billie Piper and "hilariously" rape Jane from Rod, Jane and Freddy. Fucking prick. I also saw Dave Gorman's Genius which I really liked. Like Justin Lee Collins, Dave also had Catherine Tate as a guest but unlike Justin Lee Collins he didn't make me taste all my future sicks in one go. Genius had a guest called Paul who invented a hood that you keep in your sleeve so that if it rains you can put your arm round your lady-friend and the hood will keep her dry. I'm actually baffled as to how that doesn't actually exist in real life. I love Paul. He's a visionary. I'm looking forward to seeing more Genius and can only assume that Paul will be in it every week. Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle was excellent again. I really think we're very lucky that this is on TV. It's great, so therefore it shouldn't exist.

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4 comments:

stuwho said...

As I trudged wearily across the windswept comedic wastelands of media-hell, my battered and sodden plumage was once more raised, if only for moments, by the glimmering light that suggested a possibility of warmth, or maybe even hope

The flickering memories of long-distant laughter were momentarily rekindled by such a sheltering cosiness of intent

Fragile titters, momentary guffaws, and tender, solitary chuckles appeared as if from nowhere, and the false dawn of an early morning thunderhead illuminated my night-crusted eyes

Had I dreamt a dream of a young man’s hopeful vision, or had I simply witnessed three of the Apocalypse’s fiery nags in flight, and in my depths of desperation transmuted their base metal to a sheen of golden delight?

Gorman, Lee, and Legge may be their earthly nomenclature, but if that fourth and deadliest of all horsemen should ever make themselves known … then, surely the Armageddon of the Mediocre must await us all

Comedy has once more arisen

Let Corden, Carr, and Kay, once more, be not Children of the Corn, but Children of the Damned

Michael said...

Talking of Genius, didn't the seat with the, um, verdict knobs remind you of Romana's interrogation in Destiny of the Daleks?

Oh, just me then.

B said...

I thought comedy vehicle was really poor this week asides from a few great little bits(the woolworths joke and foreign insects namely) and some bits that were great live didn't work out right.

I hear the red button bits are fantastic

Daisy Vicious said...

cancer of the imagination? yes, i like that a lot.