The Jade Monkey.

Jade Goody: The Movie? You know what? Fuck off now. I've tried my very bestest to be kind, thoughtful and respectful about the news of Jade's horrible illness and eventual death, despite all knowledge that she is in no way more important than any other person who has died of cancer, but the very thought that anyone at all is even thinking of discussing a movie biopic about Jade's utterly ordinary life beggars belief. It was on the front page of the Daily Star today. That makes it practically gospel. Like Jesus wrote it or something.

I have nothing at all against Jade Goody. She made money out of, well, nothing but people loved her and I certainly can't argue with that. Natasha Richardson was a well-respected stage actress but no-one gave two fucks when she died. Fucking hell, Darth Vader has cancer now. Where's his fucking OK! magazine creepy selling-the-dead special? But, a film about her life? Isn't that the news media wringing the last bit of energy out of this story? Of course it's not. They'll always get more.

What sort of film could it be anyway? It's hardly inspiring. Woman exists, is loud, dies. That's not much of a gripping tale. I know there was more to Jade's life than just that but...well...I dunno, was there? Really? She was popular. OK, but for what? I still don't know. She was unpopular. I understand that but it was ridiculous how she was treated for it. She said something stupid. She was told it was stupid. She understood it was stupid. She apologised. That all sounds OK to me but that was her at a time when Britain hated her. Britain hated her for having the same opinion or lack of education as almost everyone in Britain. It was fine when she just embarrassed herself but when she showed us all up to be cunts that was the limit. Then she became popular again. Because she was ill. God, we're horrible.

The Bionic Woman is, apparently, playing the part of Jade in the film. I want Danny Dyer as Jack Tweed, Dev Patel as Shilpa Shetty and, of course, Morgan Freeman as caring old Uncle Max Clifford. It'll be MASSIVE. If, you know, it ever existed.

I never thought I'd say this but I really do feel sorry for Jade Goody. She sold pretty much everything she ever had while she was alive and she's now a product. The one big product that, in these credit crunch times, continues to sell. Newspapers will continue to make a lot of money from her by making up crap for a long time to come. There is obviously no plan to make a Jade Goody film because there can't be. There's just not enough there to make an actual on-screen story. That doesn't stop papers like the Daily Star, The Mirror, etc. from telling us that there is. Jade sells, so why not make up some crap and sell a bit more? It's depressing.

A dog went missing in the park at Ladywell three weeks ago. Posters went up immediately crying out for the safe return of this loveable pet to the family. The dog was then found a few days later. The posters are still up. Why? Why must people be concerned about a lost dog that is currently at home being spoiled by it's loving, lazy owners? Why won't they take the dozens and dozens of fucking posters they put up down? More importantly: While there is a credit crunch destroying the world, our saviour Obama is sending more troops in to Afghanistan and 48 people are killed in a terrorist attack in Pakistan, how come I'm more fixated with a Jade Goody lie and some lazy, thoughtless dog owners? I'm depressing.

More chuckle tomorrow, folks!

www.twitter.com/michaellegge