Monday, 9 November 2009

Out Of My Mind.

Let's begin with how stupid I am. It's getting worse. Not knowing how insects procreate is one thing but on Thursday night I hosted the Celebrity Pub Quiz at The Hob, Forest Hill and was pretty alarmed at what I learned.

I learned that I have never heard of the £2 coin.

I'm not quite sure how I've avoided the £2 coin but I've done it pretty successfully. One of the questions in the quiz was something like "Dave had £3 coins and a £2 coin and a 50 pence piece. How many £1.50 puzzle games can he buy?" Yes, it sounds a pretty remedial question anyway. It was part of a category called "Are You Smarter Than a 10 Year Old?". I am not because a 10 year old would not question a £2 coin like I did.

I asked Emma, who runs the gig, what the question meant. I mean, if Dave has three pound coins and two pound coins....well, that's just not good grammar, I thought. But Emma pointed out that it was 3 pound coins and a £2 coin. Then I decided to come across as thick.

"What's a £2 coin?", I said.

An hour went by as she stared at me with a level of pity mainly reserved for a really old animal that needs to be put down. She then showed me a £2 coin. I've never seen one. They must be new.

They're not new. They've been in circulation since 1998. I'm 11 years behind the rest of Britain. Now everywhere I go I see the £2 coin. It's on Train Ticket machines and snack dispensers and peep shows. The whole country has gone £2 crazy!

I MUST have seen a £2 coin before. I MUST have! How can a man avoid a fucking coin? This obviously means that I have a problem keeping memories and there may be something wrong with my brain. That's fine. I'd rather be broken than be thick. I'm bored of being thick. I've been thick for ages. I really hope that one half of my brain has just shut down and I'm slowly dying because I don't think I can take any more of this me being thick thing. It's depressing.

Speaking of depressing, on Friday night I performed, for the first time, in front of Jim Davidson. He was standing at the back of Jongleurs in Glasgow being racist and hating women, I assume, with his bouncer who stands beside him making sure that no-one gets in to Jim Davidson. I'm very wary a big, evil mainstream stands at the back of a gig watching us 41 year old youngsters riffing some political vitriol and changing some minds because they often go to comedy clubs to steal jokes. That is naughty. But Jim didn't write a single thing down during his stay which is even worse. Imagine not being good enough to be nicked by Jim Davidson. Embarrassing.

Luckily, the fucking awful cunt only caught the very end of the show so we didn't feel too bad about walking on stage and risking entertaining Jim Davidson. Plus Mandy Knight was in her last five minutes when he arrived and I doubt there's many of her gags about being fucked up the arse that Jim could use during his many, big-hearted gigs for our troops that he does every fucking day. I was compering so if you ever see Jim Davidson on stage thanking three comedians and then saying goodnight, he got that from me.

The weekend in Glasgow was great. I spent most of my time being all drunk. The few sober moments were spent doing the actual gigs and watching The Awful Balloon of Captain Twat (I honestly can't remember the name of the new Terry Gilliam film) and really enjoyed it. I tried to see Up (which I just know I will loathe) but it was sold out. The Awful Balloon of Captain Twat was the only thing on and I'm really glad I saw it. I'm long past the spectacle of Terry Gilliam's films. I love his imagination but his characters and stories are dull. This film is patchy but very enjoyable. Tom Waits is fantastic. I sat in the freezing cold cinema thinking what a wonderful film it was until 5 minutes from the end when Colin Farrell was on top of Lily Cole and forcing her to the ground. I remembered. I'm supposed to be boycotting this film. Terry Gilliam is one of the many, many Hollywood cunts who signed the petition asking for rapist Roman Polanski's release from prison because he is old and his wife died in the 60's. Good to see I have morals if not a memory.

£2 coins. Rape. It's all the same to me.

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