Fawkes Off.

I don't like today. November the 5th is always a shit day, especially the last four of them.

It should be good. You should be lighting sparklers and eating toffee apples (although they are vomit inducing) and watching V For Vendetta. That sounds like fun. But then fireworks are involved and that's when the fun ends. God, I hate fireworks.

I've always hated fireworks. Firstly, they play havoc with your memory. Every single fucking tedious year a nearby firework display promises excitement and wonder and every single fucking tedious year I believe them. Stupid Legge. Firework displays are only half-interesting for the first three minutes then you soon catch on as to how repetitive it all is. Yes, yes, yes. Whizzy red, poppy blue then massive sparkly gold. And repeat until it's all over. Oh, and maybe a catherine wheel that you won't be able to see because everyone has brought there entire family to show you how fertile they all are. Very impressive.

But it's the noise that gets me. The noise of both the fireworks and the people watching. How the fuck can you still oooooooh at something you also saw 25 seconds ago? For the 18th time? Plus they go bang. Who can find BANG fun?

Plus they just used to scare me. When I was a kid I talked and talked about going to a firework display so much that my parents, knowing fully well that I would hate it, gave in and took me to one. As soon as we got there I started screaming to be taken home. The noise was terrifying and I got it inside my head that one of the fireworks would land on me and I would go up in flames. I preferred indoor fireworks like The Snake. At least it would only slowly and gently put you to sleep (forever) with it's fumes, it wouldn't melt your eyes to your anorak hood (I really thought that).

And they terrify the crap out of Jerk. She shakes like she's on the top of an old washing machine when a firework goes off. She shat on the living room floor on Monday night. I think I now know what happened.

So, please, if you must let a firework off tonight at least put a sock over it to muffle the noise. As I write about 50 have gone off and Jerk is practically standing on me and vibrating my face. Guy Fawkes would be turning in his grave if he knew what you were doing to Jerk, I imagine.

www.twitter.com/michaellegge
www.preciouslittlepodcast.co.uk