Friday, 20 November 2009

Dogs of War.

The drunks of Lewisham just get classier. Although I haven't seen Nick the Homeless Man ever since he threw a can at my head and then asked me to join him and his friends for a drink, the park near my house is still full of interesting characters. You know. Arseholes. That sort of thing.

I walked Jerk this morning and passed a group of gentlemen who were sheltering from the rain by standing under a tree while drinking heavily and winding up their fucking horrible looking Staffordshire Bull Terrier (By the way, if you have a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, get it neutered. There are way too many of them and they always end up being raised by fuckers. The same rule applies if you have children). The jolly bunch wanted nothing more than to exchange some gay banter with me. One of them welcomed me to their inner circle with "Fucking hell, do you fucking race your whippet, mate? I'm not be fucking funny or anything".

I don't think swearing is ever called for but surely the phrase "I'm not being funny" is even more pointless. I don't think that anyone who has tattooed himself a billion times, drinks aggressively at 10am and shouts at dogs is the kind of cheeky josher that will end up on Dave anytime soon. Apart from Mock The Week. He was terrifying. I knew he wasn't being fucking funny or anything.

Stupidly, I pointed out that Jerk isn't a whippet. That may seem like an important point to make in a conversation such as this but I can't help but think that I would have been happier simply walking away and not saying a word. Then the gents all talked about times they spent at Catford and Walthamstow's dog tracks...sorry, Catford fucking and Walthamstow's fucking dog tracks with what I assumed was some authority. They were convinced they had seen Jerk race a few years ago. She hadn't. Jerk is too lazy to lead a double-life and besides she's too small to race against greyhounds.

She's not too small, the booze buffs argued. They've all seen much smaller greyhounds race at the track. The haven't, of course, but they said they have. I realised that I was in hell and decided I'd bid them all a farewell. They wished me a fucking good fucking day but wanted their fucking dog to fucking say fucking hello to fucking Jerk (which, I was informed, "is a fucking stupid name for a whippet"). This is where things always get awkward.

Jerk is very much the dog equivalent to me. She is beautiful, fit, healthy and hates all of her own species. The Staffy sniffed Jerk's bum for a while. Jerk gave it 10 seconds then gave her warning growl. That warning growl is simply like us saying "Stand back, please. You're too close". The staffy did not heed the warning so Jerk barked aggressively. Which made the cunty dog bark aggressively. Which made the cunty drunks shout aggressively.

They thought winding their own dog up further would make it want to attack Jerk and what could be more fun than two dogs fighting to the death? What they didn't reckon on was, although Jerk is lovely to look out and outwardly very sweet, there is a fucking blood-thirsty killing machine within that really doesn't need an excuse to come out. The men shouted and screamed at their dog to "fucking get it" and eventually Jerk just lashed out and bit it's stupid stump of a tail. The coward ran.

"Well", said the main dickhead. "That didn't fucking come to much".

As I walked away I heard him telling the dog off. Not for being aggressive but for not attacking. What a horrible bastard.

We walked right round the park. That normally takes an hour and the rain was still pouring down so I certainly didn't expect to see the drunks still under the tree when I came back but there they were. Luckily I was on the other side of the park and could only see them from a distance but they made their presence known. "Fuck off, poodle", I heard.

I looked over to see a man walking his poodle very briskly past them.

These depressing shits can't ruin my good mood though. I'm still happy with the LQC shows this week and yesterday I received an invitation from Stackridge to see them play in Bath. Don't think I can go but I will do everything I can to try and make it happen. Stackridge RULE!

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