Friday, 5 June 2009

Michael X.

I always get up early on voting days. It's a lovely feeling walking down the street knowing that today you're going to make a difference, that your voice will be heard and that things will change. It's also good to snort space cocaine off a dodo's nipple while banging away at a pair of Porn Twins on top of a rainbow on February the 31st but it's not going to happen. When I went into that Polling Station yesterday and looked down at that list of political candidates my heart sank and the Porn Twins did a runner.

What a bunch of cunts. The political candidates, I mean, not the Porn Twins. They're lovely. One of them helped me move a wardrobe. Just looking at that list is a problem in itself. Essentially, you're voting for the least cuntyish cunt. There is BNP right at the top which genuinely gave me a start just seeing their logo. Christ, I thought, they actually do exist. These deluded idiots are real. But who do I choose?

Not Conservative, I'm not right wing. Not Labour, I'm not right wing (yes, indeed). Not The Green Party, I'm not insane. I agree with some Green Party policies, of course. I think if you're going to do anything with this planet then saving it should be very thing. They're not big on science, which scares me, plus they're already our representatives where I live and refused to speak for us when the council closed and bulldozed a special needs school to make way for a travellers' site (You couldn't make it up, unless you're the editor of the Daily Mail). The travellers' site wasn't even built in the end (what an insult to my street) so now we've just got a massive pile of rubble and asbestos lying in the corner where a school used to be. Thanks, "Green" Party.

In the end, I reluctantly voted fucking, fucking, fucking Lib Dem. I voted for a party I know basically nothing about other than they didn't say yes or no on Spitting Image. They just looked like the least cuntyish cunts and I don't see how we can hope for better than that. I almost voted for Socialist Labour only because Arthur Scargill's name was right beside it and I don't think you should vote based on nostalgia although, as BAFTA member Bennett Arron said "That's how almost everyone votes anyway".

Will it make any difference? No. No fucking way. All the good that I can get from it is that I've said no to Labour and, more personally, my current idiot representatives where I live. Oh, and the BNP. I think it's best that they know that not everyone is a cunt.

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