You think you know someone and then they betray you. You can be best friends with a person for decades then, all of a sudden, they run off with your partner or steal your money or vote BNP or do all three. I've known David Bourn for nearly 20 years but that cunt is DEAD to me now. I hate him for what he has done to me. Over the last two decades that BASTARD has made me like him and respect him and last night I found out that he likes...sport.
I thought he was a kindred spirit, someone who knew that only bellends like sport. I thought we had things in common. After all, we both like Morrissey and Sparks so why shouldn't we both hate sport? WHY HAS HE DONE THIS TO ME? Did all those nights performing improvised comedy in front of four people mean nothing to him? What a prick. And it's not just "sport" that he likes. It's more specific than that. And I wish I could say it was football that he loved. But no, he wouldn't even let me have that. I'll never understand anyone who likes football but at least I can easily hang my lazy hat of hatred on that peg. David likes cricket. CRICKET. Is there more of a boring, knob-end of a sport than cricket? Besides golf, obviously.
Surely watching cricket must be torture? I mean, fuck all happens and people clap apathetically at it. And the scores are insane. Figuring out the rules is mad enough but surely the most powerful mind on Earth would be shattered well before understanding what those scores mean. 100 for 4 Not Out 12 Ran is not a fucking score. It's not even a sentence. It's a mathematical raping, is what it is. But at least the people who play cricket PLAY cricket. They get to run a little bit and throw a ball once in a while. They don't WATCH it. They'd never do that. They're not that stupid. The people who made Lesbian Vampire Killers probably had a right laugh making it but they wouldn't watch it, obviously. Why are you doing this to yourself, David? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
It irks me beyond belief that sport takes up so much of our lives. Watching it, of course, not playing it. I have no problem at all with people playing sport. I bet it's fun. Well, fun-ish. Beside golf, obviously.
Losing David has been quite a blow. I've known him a long time and to watch him fade away from my vision while he talked about his love of someone else's hobby was sad. Still, at least this week has brought some good news, something I can be proud of. I am quoted in this week's issue of Time Out Magazine as part of their article about Twitter. Basically, I got the word "cunt" in big, capital letters into London's leading listings magazine. What an achievement. If I do nothing else in my life (and that's the plan) I have done that and called Richard Blackwood a cunt on Channel 4. I can't imagine topping either of these monumental achievements. Plus I'm mentioned in the most recent (and extremely hilarious) Collings and Herrin Podcast and I'm NOT referred to as a cunt. So, that's good too.