Friday, 13 August 2010

The Unknown Comic.

And then the guilt set in.

You see, although it was really funny signing all those things for Michael Legge from Angela's Ashes fans, I think I crossed a line. Don't get me wrong, if people are so stupid as to not recognise the very person they insist they are really big fans of then maybe they deserve what they get. Maybe. Er...they don't do they? They just made a mistake. When Tony took his shooting script of Angela's Ashes out of it's protective wallet I should have stopped him. I should have just made up an excuse for not signing it. The script had autograph's from Robert Carlisle and Frank McCourt. And, now, me. That shooting script went from interesting movie memorabilia to worthless bit of crap in one second flat. Oh, Tony. I'm so sorry. Please feel free to punch me (really gently) in the face. Crap. I have to work really hard on my career now to make that script valuable again. Stupid Legge.

The Angela's Ashes thingy has made me reflect on something: am I in Edinburgh and do I exist? I can't answer that question with any degree of honesty. When I first arrived someone told me that I was seen at the Assembly Rooms party the night before on cocaine and shouting at women when in actual fact I was in London. I think. Then on Twitter yesterday someone said they saw me do a "blinding" set in Camden the night before when in actual fact I was in Edinburgh. I think. After Wednesday's Gutted, our director Chris huddled the cast together to plan a surprise chorus of Happy Birthday for me even though he was standing next to me with his hand on my shoulder at the time. I think. Then the Angela's Ashes thing happened and it's started to worry me that no-one actually knows who I am. I bet I'm the only person in Edinburgh that feels like that.

The incredible nature of NO in Edinburgh has not lessened one little bit this year. No matter what you want, doesn't matter where or when, in Edinburgh the answer is almost certainly NO. I've blogged about it a few times before but here we go again. Today I went to SEVEN different places and was told NO, all in the space of a couple of hours. Various cafe's nearby brag about vegan breakfasts but EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE said "Sorry. we've got no vegan breakfasts today". CUNTS! And wipe that fucking smug look off your fucking face when you say that to me. I wanted the vegan breakfast. Why are you so fucking happy that you're telling me I can't have one? CUNTS!! I went to a coffee shop, A FUCKING COFFEE SHOP, and asked for a coffee. NO! What the hell is wrong with this place? Then I witnessed a Classic NO. A woman in a cafe obviously didn't want to give her child unhealthy food despite him whining "I want a burger. I want a burger" so she clearly lied to him. "They don't do burgers", she said. Then the dick behind the counter said "We do, actually". The woman rolled her eyes and ordered a burger for her son. Two minutes later the dick came back and said "Sorry, we've run out of burgers". Brilliant. The boy goes hungry and thinks his mum's a liar. Well done, Edinburgh.

Hey, I've done something INSANE! I went to see two shows. I know. I'm such a twat but I did it and I regret nothing. Both excellent shows. I may not see another one because that's a pretty good strike rate. Gary Delaney's Purist show at the Pleasance is so much fun. Evil fun too. I'm sure you're going to see it anyway as Gary seems to be selling out every day. You'd be very wise to. Fans of Michael Legge from Angela's Ashes will love it as he gets a name check. I think. A show that I must force you to see is Tara Flynn's Big Noise simply because it's, you know, brilliant and that. Really funny just plain weird songs. Dark and twisted? Macabre and bizarre? Maybe but mainly just weird and funny. "The Fog From The Film The Fog" is just one of the funniest things you're likely to see up here. You might think that, as I'm a friend of Tara's, that I'm biased but you'd be wrong. I bought a ticket specifically to watch her die on her arse for an hour but, unlike M Night Shyamalan films, the twist was right at the beginning. She was just excellent. Obviously, in a way, I'm disappointed but I can't take anything away from her. She has written a great show that I will definitely see again. I'm actually, and I never say this, proud of her. I will never tell her this to her face. She will get notions. And it was excellent to see very happy and giddy young students singing her songs afterwards. She's done well. The room was pretty much full when I saw it so I'd book early. She's on at the Gilded Balloon at 8.15.

Calm down, fuckers. I'm sure I'll see a bad show soon and bitch about it. I'm looking forward to it, to be honest.

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