In the absence of nothing annoying me I have allowed my mind to wander.
The show is going well but I really miss Pointless Anger with Robin and, of course, I can still clearly see that absolutely everyone up here is a total arsehole. Especially one of them. So I’ve decided to sort out next year’s Edinburgh Fringe and I think I’ve come up with a really good idea for a one-off show. Margaret Cabourn-Smith, Dan Tetsell and Ben Walker have also become excited by the prospect and developed my idea. It’s going to be great. I really want someone of Phil McIntyre’s stature to be promoting it (if you know him, can you pass this blog on to him, yeah? Cheers) and I see it in a good 350 seater room such as Pleasance One. Anyway, the show is called Michael Legge Tells You To Fuck Off and will start at 7pm until two seconds after 7pm. The safety announcement before the show will be 15 times longer than the show itself but it will be one of those shows that you’ll be bragging about if you were actually there. I’ve already done some previews (ask Alan from Karaoke Circus) and the merchandise stall will be amazing. Who wouldn’t want a Michael Legge Told Me To Fuck Off T-shirt? And don’t forget to buy the soundtrack. Why not have Michael Legge tell you to fuck off in your own home? But this might be all a bit too mainstream for you and that’s why my good friends have developed the idea further. I’m thinking of another gig, tiny venue, just for the cool people. You know, like you. It’s called Michael Legge Tells You To Fuck Off – Late. God, it will be hip. Imagine me telling you to fuck off while one of The Pajama Men are at the back of the room. Awesome. Then there’s Michael Legge Tells Your Kids To Fuck Off. That's at 11am. Again a great merchandise opportunity. Wouldn’t you want your baby to be seen in a babygrow that says Uncle Michael Told Me To Fuck Off? I’m telling you. This HAS to happen. And nowhere else on Earth is stupid enough to let it happen but Edinburgh. It’s money in the bank.
I’ve written three blogs over the last three days and deleted them all because they’re either too nice or too pointless. I’ve been fighting other people’s battles in my head and it just makes me sound like a twat. So, I’ll be brief: Ever since Gary Delaney started dishing out those No Whimsy badges Edinburgh has turned evil. Comics are headbutting people and writing disgusting, sexist, moronic open letters to reviewers. Whatever happened to just calling someone a cunt? I understand why people might get upset with reviews (I spent the best part of an evening calling Steve Bennett a cock back in 2004) but why write a letter proving them right when you can point out the irony of being called a misogynist by someone who books a lot of misogynists? I really like her but it’s at least a debatable argument. I reckon she’d even respect you for it. It shows you’ve actually thought of something. But instead you wrote “anal shotgun suicide”. Oh, dear.
So, with all that horror in mind, let me bring nice back. Nice is nice, isn’t it? I like nice. Edinburgh is perhaps the most beautiful city in Britain and it’s architecture, culture and late night bars make it a joy to spend time in. There are also some entertainment based shows going on up here at the moment and I really must recommend some to you. Richard Herring’s Christ On A Bike at the Assembly Rooms is a brilliant hour of stand up even though he is a stupid cunt and the least talented out of all his double acts. I can’t imagine there is a better stand up show up here this year. It’s both very funny and very impressive. Oh, and thanks to the cunt who recorded me laughing at Richard and put it on the internet. Sorry that I laughed at a comedy show. That must have really put you off. Caroline Mabey’s Eat Your Friends at The Caves is just odd. I love it, it’s really, really funny but it is also just plain odd. You should see it. I hadn’t seen the Penny Dreadfuls until yesterday and they were predictably great and sold out their huge room. They’re funny men. Slick and scrappy at the same time. In fact, don’t go to see them. Fuck them. The bunch of cunts.
The show that I definitely insist you see is An Hour of Telly Live. I knew it would be good and they don’t disappoint at all. Margaret and Zoe are my favourite ever act. I laugh more at them than I do any other comedians. When I see them on stage my heart, if I actually have one, just fills up. There is war in this world. There is war, there is famine, there is Idiots of Ants. But as long as we have Margaret and Zoe we should be OK. It’s worth going to just for Margaret’s description of Zoe’s teeth alone but there’s also another 59 minutes and 58 seconds of brilliance in there too. They’re at The Banshee Labyrinth at 2.20.
Now, let’s get on with our lives and let’s be nice. OK? Yeah? Yeah.
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