Now I Know My Abie Seethe.

I am knackered. That's the main story of Edinburgh at the moment. I'm averaging 4 hours sleep and still haven't properly eaten. Vitamin tablets aren't really food but I am getting plenty of them. That's good, isn't it? The fact that I feel like I'm permanently anaesthetised, can't focus on any form of conversation and want to punch everything better is probably something I should be concerned with. I would puke but as I've eaten so little food I'm too embarrassed to.

But besides me trying to kill myself, Edinburgh has been fun so far. I've fucked up one of my vows by not seeing a single show so far. Meh. There's time. The vegan thing is still ongoing thanks largely to not eating but, fuck me, vegans are wankers. I haven't joined your cult, weirdos. And I'm not doing it to piss off vegetarians (who are now worse than meat eaters in the eyes of vegans). There IS ethical dairy farming in Britain. I know you hate the very thought that some dairy farmers actually care for the animals they work with because it gives you nothing to validate yourself with but it's still true. And your precious, precious soya milk is one of the least ethical things you can buy, you rain forest raping hypocrites. I am tired and grumpy.

The shows are going well, though. I think that's the main thing about doing the Fringe. The shows should at least be going well. I've done three Gutted's and two Pointless Angers so far and I've really enjoyed them. Even Saturday's really awful Gutted had it's charm. The props fucked up, the PA system fucked up, the sets fucked up, the actors fucked up. It was really good. I wish you had been there. Mind you, you'd have walked out if you had been. Everyone was a bit shaken after our shit show (we're allowed ONE) none more so than the increasingly adorable Penny Dreadfuls who collectively seemed to say "I fucking can't believe two people walked out of our show. I mean, that is so bad. When five people walk out, you really feel it. But when those 10 people walked out I felt sick. I've never had 50 people walk out before. Did you see those 172 people walk out?" Oh, pick a fucking number! So, that was it. We had our really bad one and it's good to have it done and out of the way. Last night's Gutted was great fun so all's well for the future. Pointless Anger is, of course, two old men shouting so NOTHING can possibly go wrong there.

I'm very glad to see that Edinburgh has remained full of shit. I often worry that it will turn into a nice place full of really nice performers but I shouldn't. I mean, the Fringe thrives on twats and lies. I arrived on Friday and just 20 minutes after dropping my bag off in the flat, I heard my first bullshit. Apparently, on Thursday night I went to the Assembly Rooms party and got coked off my face. I was completely mashed. I kept screaming at women and pointing at my genitals.

Weird. Could have sworn I was in London on Thursday night. Maybe Mick Talbot is up here?

But in my two days up here I have heard two Abie Philbin Bowman stories. That's one-a-day. I hope this keeps up. If you don't know Abie Philbin Bowman then you are incredibly lucky. I met him at last year's Fringe and I liked him as much as I like any cancerous tumour that won't shut up about itself. He's a solid gold, grade 'A' cunt and, although you have never heard of him and never ever will hear of him, you hate him. Read my Edinburgh blogs of last year to discover more about the fucking penis. Anyway, Abie met Lisa Keddie the other day. I'm a big fan of Lisa. She's lovely. I raved about how good she was last year but I also ACCIDENTALLY made her cry. I'm an idiot. That didn't mean that I didn't think she was great. I did and I do. She was and she is. But Abie's introduction to her was "Hi. We have something in common. Michael Legge hates me too".

Erm...

Then I heard a classic slice of Edinburgh twattery. There was a show at The Caves (if I have the venue wrong, I apologise) where acts could showcase a 5-10 minute chunk of their show. Pretty commonplace type of thing up here. Sadly, there was part of the show where none of the acts knew who was on next. The stage was left empty for a few seconds. A few seconds is a billion years to an empty stage but luckily one audience member had a great idea. He jumped on stage, did some hilarious material and the audience gave him a standing ovation.

Well, the guy in the audience was Abie and he leapt on to the stage even though he wasn't invited to. He stopped the next act from going on because he seized a chance to publicise his own worthless ego, did part of his show and died. Oh the ego's of Edinburgh. Will they ever learn? Abie won't.

Hey, guys. I'm sure that those Abie stories are only based on truth thus proving my theory that Edinburgh is based on lies and twats. At least with Abie stories you get both those things in the only place.

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