Saturday, 28 August 2010

Do You Have Bonnie Tyler's Phone Number?

This is amazing! I mean, it's just so utterly incredible that it should only ever happen in a comic book.

Last night, Colin and Kat Hoult, Muki and I were drinking in a bar that is charmingly called Fingers. It was incredibly hot, crowded and loud but it was the nearest place that we could get booze that late so we suffered through. Soon we were joined by a horrible drunk arsehole.

The horrible drunk arsehole introduced himself to us by putting his arms around Kat and saying "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" To be honest, I didn't like him. I assumed he must have been a friend of Kat's though because complete strangers don't do that sort of thing. Ever. No matter what. But when Colin asked him to leave her alone I realised he was what he is. A horrible drunk arsehole. He gave Colin a dirty look then smiled and winked at me as if to say "What's his problem? I'm only trying to feel up his wife". Then he did another no-no. He put his arm around me. I don't like that at all. It's too aggressive a thing to do. He may have thought he was being friendly in his stupid drunk arsehole head but he was being far from it. I told him to fuck off. He went away.

I thought that would be the last we would see of him. He stumbled over to talk to what I assumed was his friend. You know, a friend that you talk really aggressively to while pointing right at their face. Colin and I were happily talking about the beauty of Carnival of Monsters and as far as we were concerned the horrible drunk arsehole was history. Occasionally, I looked over and saw him still being aggressive to his friend but I didn't care. Carnival of Monsters is a lot more important than any drunk horrible arsehole. Then his friend suddenly tired of being pointed at in the face and punched arsehole in the mouth. Arsehole retaliated by headbutting his friend. Weirdly, although he headbutted him twice and we saw him make full contact, it just looked like it didn't hurt. It was like arsehole's head was really lovely and soft. It was still horrible to watch and, as she was very near the fight, Colin and I manfully stood in front of Kat to protect her. Sadly, although Colin and I are very brave we are also very beautiful and we didn't want to get punched by either of these drunks. We were at the very edge of trouble. Our beautiful faces could get damaged and we would never be able to not get work on BBC3 ever again. Who will save us from this brutality?

Hunter from Gladiators, that's who! As unbelievable as it sounds the real, actual Hunter from Gladiators appeared from nowhere and rescued Colin and I by throwing one of the drunks out and threatening the others. He asked us all if we were OK but all I could think of was how much I loved this almighty god in front of me. Am I alright, Hunter? Of course I'm alright. I have you.

He then bought us a round of Jagerbombs.

Go on then. You tell me a better fucking story than that.

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Kate said...

Best Fringe story ever. I live in Edinburgh and have never even heard of this bar!

Jon Pearson said...


Ben said...

That's a good story, I can't beat it although am in Bradford where the English Defence League have turned up to try and cause all sorts of race based havoc, but have essentially just ended up beating each other up and being sent away. Maybe it was Hunter who told 'em to fuck off.

scotch said...

It's a piano bar thing in George St. And I don't even live in Ediburgh any more.
(That link does not constitute a recommendation).

Anonymous said...

In 2008, we were at an anarcho-punk-folk music festival the weekend the BNP had their Red White and Blue "family weekend" (aka Nazi rally). And they were two fields away. So we had police protection. Not sure whether they were meant to be protecting us from the BNP or vice-versa. Police were very sweet, letting little punk kids with multi-coloured hair play with their riot shields and use the police-van tannoy to make stupid announcements.

jimbo said...

ah Fingers Piano Bar...legendary hostelry!