I gigged with Chris Addison on Tuesday night and he really couldn't wait to talk about his big hero, Peter Kay. It was Peter Kay this and Blackpool Tower that and cunting garlic bread the other out of Chris. You couldn't shut him up or out. But one thing stuck in my mind. Chris told me that Peter Kay's latest book, Saturday Night Peter (the next one will be called "Oh, Kay!", I GUARANTEE it), has something interesting written in the blurb on the inside cover. It says "Peter is one of Britain's most prolific stand-up comedians".
He isn't. He is one of the fattest. That's it.
With this information in mind, I had to see it for myself. I went into WH Smith in Lewisham yesterday (a place I already have massive problems with. Do they giggle at EVERY 41 year old man who buys Doctor Who Magazine? DO THEY? And NO, I don't want a fucking half-price bar of fucking Toblerone. NO-ONE fucking does) and picked up the book. I had seen Saturday Night Peter in bookshops before but never actually touched a copy for complete fear of Bill Hicks turning up, seeing me and shaking his head in despair. I looked inside and Chris was right. "one of Britain's most prolific stand-up comedians". There it was. Prolific? PROLIFIC? Peter Kay obviously hasn't looked in a dictionary in a long time. A dictionary, Peter? Do you remember them?
I left WH Smith with my Doctor Who Magazine (and yes, alright, my half-price bar of Toblerone) and thought about this for a while. Does he really think that he's prolific? Does he actually imagine that re-re-re-re-re-releasing the same tedious Do-You-Remember-Magpie DVD every fuck year counts as being prolific as a stand-up? I had to look at it again.
I went to two other bookshops yesterday and looked at Saturday Night Peter and it's big fat lie by it's big fat author. I don't know why I had to look again. Twice. But I did. Perhaps part of me thought that it couldn't possibly say that in EVERY copy, could it? I know it says it on two copies, the one in WH Smiths and Chris Addison's signed copy ("To Chris, Garlic Bread, Peter Kay xxx",) but that could have been a printing error. But no. It says it on two more copies as well. Please look in your copy now and see if it's there. If you don't have a copy then ask to borrow a sick relative's copy. If you do have a copy then I am furious and will end this blog here.