Saturday, 3 October 2009

Clearance Sale.

When your career is as fucked as mine one feels compelled to keep a tidy house. All those mistakes, bad gigs and rejected sit-com scripts are a direct result of too much clutter in the house. Sadly, clutter is the main thing that I buy and I like to store my clutter in a relaxed, random, leave-it-wherever-my-lazy-arse-fancies kind of vibe. So, today I decided that as I'm going to try to start writing sketches for Los Quattros Cunts this coming week I'd best have a big tidy up. Dust everything, vacuum everywhere and put one or two of those silly little purchases that I don't need on eBay.

Nearly everything I own is going on eBay.

Why the fuck did I buy a 4-disc jazz compilation? That was a fear of turning 40 moment if ever I saw one. I hate jazz (well, recorded jazz anyway). 40 was never going to make me like that noise. Or the second Sugababes album? Why the fuck did I willingly buy that? Why would anyone buy that? They do a Sting cover on it, for fuck's sake. I have Das Boot on video and DVD. I bought both copies myself. I have NEVER seen Das Boot. I will NEVER see Das Boot. I will often say that I will watch it but it's never going to happen. A fucking photo frame for photos of a dog? What was I thinking? 25 packs of Top Trumps. A huge camping light. A Hear'Say Easter Egg. A big beer mug that says "BEER" on it. A cowboy hat. A watercolour painting set. A Slendertone beer-belly removal system. Two lawn mowers! (I have NO grass) A yoga mat. Stars & Stripes dinner plates. Sex And The City: The Movie. A set of Tufty Club badges. An E.T. Pez dispenser. The Beautiful South biography. At Last, Smith & Jones Volume 1 on DVD. A skateboard complete with cool bands stickers all over it (never even stood on). A telescope. A babies night light. Macy Gray's other record. Fucking place mats. What the fuck can I do with a place mat? Five different versions of Monopoly. A big book called Teach Yourself Spanish. Russian dolls. A Pussycat Dolls hat. A kimono. A Winning Yachts 2005 calendar. A Dalai Lama mantra card. Scripts from Mork & Mindy. A letter from Paramount Studios warning me that I cannot perform a play based on Wrath of Khan. A plastic penguin that picks up tooth picks. A vest. A spirit level. Lisa Stansfield's autograph. A fondue set. A stupid Stradivarius violin (that I can't even play). A wind-up Ladybird. Finley Quaye on MINIDISC. Every Q magazine from February 1997 to July 2005. Balls of wool. A really tiny table tennis table. A Soda Stream drinks maker. A boxset of Freddie Mercury's solo works. A broken TV. A massive wooden tortoise. Fucking wind chimes.

This wasn't so much a blog as a car boot sale. If you want any of this shit, let me know. If not, eBay is in for a treat.

By the way, thanks to all the extremely nice people who emailed me relating to the Dawn Porter predicament. Glad I'm not alone. Solidarity, brothers!


Anonymous said...

'A letter from Paramount Studios warning me that I cannot perform a play based on Wrath of Khan'

That's definitely worth having.

Susancassandra1 said...

'Russian Dolls' Andrew Maxwell spent a large part of his Edinburgh gig playing with Russian Dolls. Saved him having to bother writing anything funny.

Manic Impressive said...

Ah, man, that's some good stuff. I wish I could get my hands on it. But, it's probably best if I didn't. I have a decent collection of useless stuff that I will never need or use but feel the necessity to own as it is.

Best of luck e-baying!

Anonymous said...

A Hear'Say Easter egg? That's fucking brilliant.