Tuesday, 13 April 2010


You have to get out there, people. You can't just sit inside reading this, you won't learn anything. OK, yesterdays blog was very educational but generally you don't learn anything unless you get out there and experience it for yourself. For instance, did you know cats get AIDS?

I didn't know cats get AIDS but they do. Not all of them, obviously. Just the filthy, dirty affronts to God ones. While waiting for a lift to Hitchin on Sunday I found myself standing outside a shop that was actually called "Neutering Stops AIDS In Cats" and I got all confused and tired. But, it turns out that it's true. Cats get AIDS. It even has a name. FIV. This is true. Feline Immunodeficiency Virus. Cats get AIDS. I don't know how they get AIDS or how cat AIDS started (I assume a cat fucked a monkey once) but I do know that cat AIDS is real. I was even told that cat AIDS is "a massive problem". To be even more accurate, it isn't a massive problem. I've never heard of it, there isn't a TV marathon appealing for funds to raise awareness and a significant and famous cat hasn't come out as suffering from FIV and causing the world to go "Biscuits has AIDS? I thought he was straight". Unless Chris Martin has written a song about it then it isn't a massive problem. Hang on, is cat AIDS all yellow? I'll check.

So, you see, I'd never know that cat AIDS even existed if I didn't get out there and look around. Stop reading this. Get out there. I mean, if it wasn't for "getting out there" I'd never know that buying underwear for a man is really complicated.

My wife's brother, Bob, is staying with me this week. He arrived from New York yesterday and the airline misplaced his luggage which is both frustrating and really, really, really funny. In fact, he's in my living room right now waiting for his bag to be delivered to him. He's NOT getting out there and looking around and it's the stupid airplane man's fault. As I am kind and generous I offered to go and buy him new pants so that he would at least have that until his bag arrived. This should have been a simple task but it was far from it. The thing is I just should have grabbed the first pair of pants I saw and bought them but because there was such a wide range I wanted to buy him something nice. Yes, that's right. I wanted to buy my brother-in-law some NICE underwear. I almost bought him a white pair but thought they wouldn't suit him. Then my brain shouted at me. JUST BUY THE FUCKING PANTS. My brain was right. I'm just buying him pants because he needs them, I don't want him to wear them for me or anything.

That said. I can't just buy him y-fronts. Y-fronts are horrible. I'll buy him boxers. He'll like boxers. No. Boxers aren't right. He's not a boxers guy. He's classier than that. I'll buy him a pair of hipsters. Hang on. Are hipsters too "sexual"? I don't want him to think I'm being sexual. But I do want him to know that I thought about him. I mean, I didn't think about him wearing pants I just thought about him and his comfort, that's all. God, why is it so difficult to buy underwear for a man who looks a bit like my wife? Come on, Michael. What underwear would you buy for Muki if she wanted a bit of comfort and support around her cock and balls? She'd want red satin ones, I think. I'm not buying Bob red satin pants. That just sends a weird message and I need him to know that these pants are friendly and platonic. TRUNKS! Brilliant. Trunks aren't sexy. They look utterly purposeful and even the name screams I DON'T WANT TO FUCK YOU, BOB. God, I hope he likes them.

I never normally actually listen to Precious Little podcast but I did this week. It was funny. Funny and horrible. James and I were lucky enough to be joined by Tiffany Stevenson who was fantastic. She's really funny. So...er...if you haven't listen to Precious Little before I think you should check this one out. Oh, and buy a ticket to see me and Andrew Collins this Sunday & Monday at London's Hen & Chickens Theatre: http://www.ticketweb.co.uk/user?region=gb_london&query=detail&event=374356&referral_id=s

Right. That's it. Get out there, folks. Let me know what you've learned.



Bob said...

I got out there and learned that the street is full of shirtless fuckwits drinking lager. I am now safely back in here and not going out there again.

commentor said...

(I assume a cat fucked a monkey once)

What happened was, a cat fucked a dog that fucked the original monkey-fucking guy.

Hell of a night, it was.

Manic Expressive said...

Why waste my time going out there and learning this stuff! I'll just read your blog and get a hilarious summary of things that I probably wouldn't see anyway because I was too busy wondering what you blogged about to concentrate.