Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Borderline Rude.

Ah, youth. What a great excuse they have to be as stupid as they want. "They're too young". That's the excuse for them breaking stuff, throwing stuff, shouting stuff, puking stuff, peeing in stuff and giving commentary to people walking around the park. They are funny.

I took Jerk to the park on Sunday for a quick run around. Right at the park's entrance I saw two boys sitting on a park bench. I threw the ball for Jerk and she bolted after it. "Whoah!", said the boys.

They were right to Whoah! Jerk is a very impressive runner and when's she in full throttle she's just beautiful. The focus, the speed, the grace. So much more impressive than me wheezing and limping after it when Jerk suddenly gets bored with our ball throwing game and refuses to chase anymore. The boys kept watching while Jerk ran up and down the hill, returning the ball to me in return for a biscuit. After a while, they decided to give a running commentary to everything they saw.

"The ball goes flying and the dog is neeeeaaaaahhhhhrrrrrrrrr...And he catches it on the second bounce! YES!!! That dog is so fast, isn't it, Calvin?"

"You're right, Bobby. And look at it running up the hill. It drops the ball and wins food."

"BOOM! The ball is going down the hill again, Calvin. Will the dog get it before it goes in the river?"

"YES! That was amazing, Bobby. He got it just before it splashed in the water".

The two boys went on like that for about 5 minutes and it was really making me laugh. They put on posh/serious voices "just like commentators" and even their constant referring to my little Princess as "he" couldn't stop them from being absolutely brilliant. In fact, they only got funnier.

After a while, seeing a dog run up and down a hill got boring so they decided to commentate on other things. It started off quite sweetly but soon turned horrible. Funny but horrible.

"That bike went really fast over that bridge. What do you think, Calvin?"

"It was very fast, Bobby. And this man running up the hill looks so tired. He might not make it to the top, Bobby".

"He's got lots of sweat, Calvin. This ugly old woman looks like she doesn't know where she's going".

"She's mad, Bobby. She looks like she stinks".

"Will the bridge break when this fat man walks over it, Calvin?"

"Yes, it will, Bobby".

The thing is, the commentary wasn't quiet. They were shouting everything they saw and what they thought of it. And the people they were referring to kept turning round to give two dirty looks. One to the little boys who don't know any better and one to the 41 year old man who kept laughing. I'm pretty sure that the boys were doing it just to entertain me because every time I laughed they just got louder and more rude. Eventually, Bobby asked if he could throw the ball for Jerk. I gave him the ball launcher and told him how to use it. He threw the ball.

About 5 feet in front of him. He was pathetic. But he gave it another go. He was still shit. In fact, he was shit time and time again and Jerk was getting frustrated while he was getting embarrassed. Mainly because Calvin had continued the commentary and I had joined him. Basically, I found myself siding with a small boy while we both ganged up and bullied another small boy. It was great fun and I heartily recommend it.

That said, Bobby hated it. After about 10 pathetic attempts to throw the ball and constant laughter and abuse from a 50 year old (if you combined mine and Calvin's ages), Bobby threw the ball launcher down and sulked back to the commentator's bench.

I might be too old to have an excuse for my stupidity but I'm grateful for life occasionally letting me be as childish as I want. Especially if it means upsetting a child.

I think something great happened to me last night. I think it's great. It might be great. You tell me.

I think I've shaken Glee. I really like Glee although, to be honest, I can't justify why I like it. I mean, it makes me laugh but all of the characters are annoying and the musical numbers are embarrassing. But last night's Madonna special was just shit. It wasn't funny. It was simply an advert for Madonna's back catalogue. It was selling Madonna and forgetting the jokes. Usually there's 3 or 4 songs, there must have been 12 in last night's episode. Plus, all of a sudden, Sue Sylvester has a musical idol that she's worshipped her entire life but, you know, it just hasn't ever come up until last night's BUY MADONNA special. It was balls. Terrible. Really, really awful.

And I felt great.

Thank fuck that's over. Now back to boy's spaceship programmes. YAY!!!


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