Saturday, 10 April 2010


What a perfect day yesterday was. The sun was shining, I befriended a little Robin that lives in my front garden and I saw the Parakeets of South London looking even more glorious than normal thanks to the lovely weather. Oh, and I had four arguments. It was a great day.

One argument was with some useless bastard from Woodland's Health Centre (I actually shouted at her, it felt good) and another was with a fan of The Trap who took time to write to tell me how much he hated me. But they weren't my favourite arguments. My favourite arguments happened in the park in the space of just under 10 minutes.

The great thing about beautiful weather is that you get to keep an eye on all the cunts. All the cunts come out when the sun shines and they take over MY park and stamp their cuntishness all over it. People spread their picnics out and take up space, people bring every child they can find and take up space and the world's biggest cunts play sports and take up loads and loads of space. I'm used to MY park being empty bar a few nutters but when the weather gets even just a little bit pleasant everyone suddenly remembers the park and what a lovely place it is to leave food wrappers in and throw cigarette butts on and shout aggressively at footballs in. I hate those cunts.

One such cunt was a massive cunt. I mean HUGE. His hair could beat me up, he was that big. He and his equally large friends were kicking and shouting at a football and taking up a huge chunk of the park that me and Jerk would have liked to have walked on but couldn't. I didn't need to meet this guy to know he's a penis but when I did meet him it was kind of nice to have my opinion confirmed. We weren't introduced socially and we didn't get into a deep conversation but we did meet briefly. His massive friend's massive foot kicked the ball and somehow missed getting it anywhere near the other massive people. The ball rolled towards me.

Always an awkward moment that. A football and I are never going to get on so there's no way that I'm going to kick it back to them. It will be a disaster. I will kick it and somehow it will hit a child in the face and kill it. I will not be dragged into this football's evil bloodlust. I'll ignore it.

I can't ignore it. It's right beside me.

Fuck it. I'm ignoring it. They're taking up all the space in MY park, it's a stupid game and they look like the type that love to run after balls anyway. I'll ignore it. Definitely. I'll just ignore it.

"Kick the ball back", shouts the massive cunt.

You see, I had no intention of kicking the ball back simply because I didn't want to embarrass myself but now I had a whole new reason to not kick the ball back. Kick the ball back? That sunbitch juss give me an order?

"Kick the ball back", the massive cunt repeated.

Now here is where I hope you'll be proud of me. These people are taking up too much room in a public area, they have no manners (seriously, would it have killed him to say "Excuse me, could you kick the football back, please?") and they are massive, massive bastards. All this information was taken into consideration before I turned to the massive cunt and said "No".

It was an incredible moment. They all looked really confused like they didn't understand what I had said at all. I may as well have told them that all my bread had run out of petrol because they just looked utterly confounded. I was happy and terrified.

"Why not?", said the massive cunt.

"I don't want to", I replied.

"Just kick it back, mate", said the massive cunt who had no idea what on Earth I was talking about.

"No", I said and walked on.

My adrenalin was rushing through my body but I could still clearly hear the massive cunt say "Arsehole". This wouldn't be the last time I would hear this today.

I walked away victorious. It's a small victory, yes, but I sometimes think they're the best kind. Him TELLING me to kick the football back was a status thing. We're big guys playing a big guys game. That wuss will be impressed and will do whatever we say because we are better than him. They are not better than me. I am the best. Ask Jerk.

What I love about endangering my life in that way is that Jerk had no idea about it whatsoever despite being beside me the whole time. Of course, me getting my head kicked in may have come as a shock to her so I'll probably not try that again. Well, not for about 8 minutes anyway.

I was just leaving the park when another cunt decided to talk to me. "Kick the ball back" without an excuse me or a please was bad enough but this cunt managed to be fucking pig-rude with just one word. "Light".

That's what he said to me. Light. Just fucking "Light". Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what he was trying to say. I'm aware that the gentleman required some assistance in the ignition of his cigarillo but fuck off. That is just one cunting word. He didn't even put a question mark in the tone of his voice when he said it. "Light". Just "Light".

"Sorry?", I said.


He repeated it. He fucking repeated it. I gave the fuck a second chance but he just said "Light" again. I hate this man more than I have ever hated a human being in my entire life. Why isn't he dead? Why isn't he all dead?

"Light", I said. Oh, yeah. Two can play at this game, sonny.

"Yeah, got a light".

I sighed. I sighed because that was his third and final chance to say to me "Excuse me. I'm very sorry to bother you but I was hoping you might be able to help. You wouldn't have a lighter that I could borrow, by any chance, please? Be really lovely of you if you did. I say, what a charming dog you have".

But no. The cunt said "Got a light". I sighed and said "That's not a sentence" and then walked away.

Again, a little victory but I was proud of myself. If someone needs your help the very least they can do is ask for it. "Light" just doesn't cut it. I walked away with a smug, twattish sense of superiority and a tail-wagging dog that had no idea that I had basically asked a stranger to punch me in the face for a second time. The pride was ringing in my ears but I could still clearly hear the pig-rude cunt say "Arsehole".

I sort of feel that I'm back.


Anonymous said...

You've just redeemed yourself in my eyes with this post :)

Nicholarse said...

This made me laugh. I should write lol or something.

Stephen said...

I am rolling on the floor laughing my ass off at this post.

Which is a massively over-the-top response to a post that is simply amusing.

Plus the words "rolling on the floor laughing my ass off" took me far too long to write. Next time I will abbreviate.