Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Homeless Wrecker.

You see, I really did want this blog to be either about me arguing with a little girl on the bus or my problems with the Black Eyed Peas (they are everywhere you go at all times) but sometimes something so incredible happens that other stories have to go to the side. This is my equivalent of breaking news.

I was on my way to last night's Work-In-Progress show at the Hen & Chickens when I realised I had no money so joined the queue at a cashpoint. Right by one of the machines was a homeless man. I didn't know this at the time but soon I would do the worst thing that you can possibly do to a homeless person. The worst thing ever.

I am a great supporter of the homeless. I mean, I don't support them being broke and without a home. To be honest, that's the thing about them that gets to me most. That must be shit. I support the homeless by giving money to Shelter and any spare change to homeless people when I can. The man said "Can you spare any change, please?" to the cashpoint queue but he really didn't need to say it to me. I was already going to give him my spare change. I am just that lovely.

The thing is, while I was in the queue and the homeless man was asking for change I did the thing of checking my pocket for change but not giving him eye contact. Look, I wanted to give him money but...well...I didn't want to talk to him. IS THAT SO BAD? It's not like he's hungry for conversation. He's just hungry. Plus, I know what would happen. We'll get into a chat and before long he'd be telling me where I've gone wrong in my career. It's the conversation I have with everyone. I just wasn't in the mood.

So, I put my hand in my pocket and grabbed a handful of change ready to give to the homeless man. I had lots of pub-last-night change in my pocket and was grabbing about half of it for him. I stepped to the cashpoint, did my cashpoint thing and all the while I was ready with a handful of change ready to spin round and give to the homeless man and quickly walk off without getting into the usual "Weren't you in Street-Cred Sudoku on UK Living about four years ago?" that I always get.

I turned to him, took my hand out of my pocket and dropped the change into his hat on his lap. Like I said I was about to do the worst thing that anyone could do to a homeless man. The worst thing ever. And this is coming from someone who has physically got in between a homeless man and the evil cunt who was kicking him. That kicking man is a saint to the homeless compared to me now.

I turned to him, took my hand out of my pocket and dropped the change into his hat on his lap. Along with my house keys.

It was an awkward two seconds as we both looked at the keys lying there in his hat. The keys. The keys to a house just lying there right in front of him. Centimetres away from his hand. Not as awkward as the moment that I reached into his hat, took the keys away from him and said "Can I have these back, please?"

For two seconds, two whole seconds, he had a home and like the evil shit I am I reached in and destroyed his new life. I am giving money to Shelter today. I really am.

Once again, the Work-In-Progress show was an absolute delight. If you were there, thanks very much. You're great and it was a lot of fun. If you weren't there then come along to the next one on the 31st May. Andrew Collins and I would love to see you. Again, I didn't get through as much material as I hoped (but that's a good thing) and again I forgot to say the name of the show: Curse Sir Walter Raleigh. But that's OK, I didn't actually get round to mentioning Raleigh either. What do you think of the title? Please let me know.



Manic Expressive said...

Where do you get the time to write so much so often! I am in awe.

Errr...do you still have any spare change you can give me?

Cailean's Papa said...

"Curse Sir Walter Raleigh ..." from a Beatles song on the White Album? Reference: smoking.

Didn't Sir Walter get the chop? Poor bloke may well have been cursed!

I agree with Manic Expressive ... in awe that you can keep up the writing, and so well. This one had me well-amused.