Sunday, 24 January 2010

Fuck Is a Four-Letter Word.

Scrabble gets you laid now? That's how people end up fucking one another these days? Scrabble? In my day, you got them drunk, listened to their tedious stories and, if you were luck, you got to see a bit of their bra. That was the very best you could hope for. But now Scrabble gets you blown. UNFAIR!

Last night I had a lovely gig at the Comedy Cafe and a pretty questionable one at Monkey Business in Hampstead. Some bright spark thought it would be clever to put me on after Mitch Benn. To be honest, my stories of large women having bakeries up their vaginas and shouting "SCUM!" at the poorest looking person in the room just couldn't compete with Mitch's songs. I was fucked from the word go. I didn't die (which surprised me) but I didn't exactly rock either. I got heckled by two men who, as is always the case, turned out to be friends of the promoter and the stage backdrop collapsed while I was in the middle of my ingenious hilarity. I just about got away with it.

Luckily, an open spot went on before me. He's a very nice man but he's very new and the audience liked some bits but could see his inexperience. That was SUCH a fucking fluke for me. If I'd gone on straight after Mitch I wouldn't have survived a minute. The new act, on the other hand, did his time admirably and cushioned the blow for my shit. Afterwards, we had a drink together and he told me that he get's laid by playing Scrabble. I should have chinned the cunt right there.

If you want to fuck someone via Scrabble you should at least have the common decency to play the game face to face and seduce one another. Like in The Thomas Crown Affair. You should be making suggestive come to bed eyes to her while laying down a seven letter word as see stares at you sucking on a tile with X on it. But no. He plays Scrabble online and after a few wins women can't resist him. Is this how it is these days? How cowardly can you get? I don't remember meeting women off the back of Daley Thompson's Decathalon. I didn't get to finger anyone because I played Jet-Pac. I distinctly remembering reading "You will have a wank on your own again tonight" in The Hobbit and that's as good as I got. Why the fuck is it so easy these days for people to get laid?

We need another sexual health scare.

I spoke to the guy for a while longer. We talked about Dr. Who but even when he was discussing the brilliance of The Green Death all I could think of was that this guy gets fucked by playing Scrabble. I got a cab home and bored the arse off the driver by shouting about what happens during Scrabble these days.

He drove off without giving me a receipt but he looked like he felt sorry for me.


BLaCKouT said...

To be fair, games like Daley Thompson's Decathlon and Combat School etc were perfect practice for wanking, so it seems kind of appropriate.

I share your outrage though. But if the brainy people want to fuck each other, let them.

Sister said...

Legge scrabble score 7, Whitloe scrabble score 63 I win GIVE ME YOUR SHOE

Mr said...

Nice one, Michael. You write well (speaking as a former newspaper columnist) and with rare, refreshing unselfconsciousness. Good headline too. After such a deflating gig, thanks for an enjoyable night on the tiles.


PS: I start my blog this week on

The Other Barrie Jones said...

'I didn't get to finger anyone because I played Jet-Pac'. I have died and gone to laughter heaven. My wife had to punch me in the back to help me breath. God help me Michael, you are a funny cunt.