Flakey.

It has snowed in the UK. I know this because dull, ordinary people's dull, ordinary photographs have made it on to the news. Strange when it is hot and I send my pictures of me barbequeing in my speedos they don't get on TV. That's because the whole country goes hysterical for snow.

Snow, a weather condition that can KILL YOU, is just so magical that everything grinds to a halt to marvel in it's beauty. Why can't a 50 tonne train make it's way through a third of an inch of snow? Because snow is very pretty. The driver of the train will be over-charmed and could easily crash and kill everyone on board. He could easily see the most darling little robin redbreast sitting on a frosty twig and the resulting carnage would be bloody and unfathomable. It would be like a dreamy 9/11 that would live on in our minds FOREVER.

All I'm saying is that before you try to enjoy all this picturesque loveliness make sure you're in a safe environment. I've seen people smiling at the snow one minute and then falling face first into it the next. It's very, very dangerous and funny. Sky News for once got it completely right yesterday. It described the snow as treacherous. It IS treacherous. It looks so lovely and yet once it has gained your trust it will betray you, turn icy and knock your teeth out. Like a fluffy Ike Turner. If there's a wife beater that's more topical please feel free to replace Ike's name with theirs. I can't think of one. I even Googled wife-beating but all I got were thousands of websites dedicated to places on women were bruises don't show. You'd think the internet would have a list of famous wife-beaters, wouldn't you? I mean they have lists of famous French vegetarians and lists of unofficial holidays of the world (my favourite is Monkey Day, December 14th) so you'd think they would definitely have an up to date list of horrible celebrities that get a bit tasty sometimes. It's not that my Ike Turner joke is COMPLETELY awful it just would have been better with a more contemporary name. Anyway, where was I?

Oh, yes. All bloggers will be blogging about the snow. It's boring.

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