See No Evil by Television.

It is now day four without a telly. I am ready to kill.

The people I am most likely to kill are my next door neighbours. The fact that they are the nicest couple you are ever likely to meet will not stop me from shoving their heads in a blender and microwave their feet while I scream/masturbate. Not that they have a blender or a microwave, they don't even have a telly. And there lies the problem. They DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TELLY but they carry on their day AS IF THEY'RE HAPPY. The bastard fucksticks. God, I hate those two helpful, considerate, lovely twats next door. Oh, yes. They're very quick to lend you things but do either of them have a clue who Justin Lee Collins is? NO. They're the luckiest bastards on Earth and, even though I love them, I hate them.

People who don't have tellys are just fucking weird. They read books and listen to the radio and, unbelievable as this might appear, talk to one another. TV was the cure for all of that unnecessary labour but these two retired, evil shits next door would rather ponder opinions given on Science In Action or indulge a bit of Charles Dickens and, basically, piss all over Logie Baird's grave than watch my beloved television. How do they live with themselves? They are worse than Hitler.

Have you ever met a person who doesn't have a telly? They're cunts. They seem so utterly proud to not have a telly. "Well, we don't want our children growing up being influenced by the idiot box", they bore but they're more than happy to let their kids be outcasts at school because they keep missing Why Don't You? (is that sill on?) I know someone who doesn't have a telly AND does yoga. What a prick. They're so full of fucking boring morals non-telly owners. "Telly is dumbing down our planet and I wouldn't have one in my house yet when I come round to yours I can't keep my unblinking eyes of your beautiful, arousing television even if it's switched off. God, I just want to fuck the stand-by light." To be fair, my neighbours aren't like that at all. They've never once mentioned that they don't have a telly in their house. I only know this because I've been to their house. That kind of makes them worse. They're so utterly comfortable with having no telly yet they don't need to rub my nose in it? What the fuck are they up to?

My neighbours are the very wonderful Jan & Richard. Richard is in his very early70's and Jan is 23 (She's not but that immediately makes this more interesting). So what do they do if they have no telly? They go on cycling trips round France, they keep their beautiful garden in such a glorious state simply to make a further mockery of my plant holocaust out the back and Richard is a big film fan. He goes to the Prince Charles cinema a lot. How cool is Richard? Very cool.

I once bumped into him on a train as I was going to gig and he was on his way to see a film. I told him I was going to work and he asked a few questions about live comedy. Richard is 30 years older than me and I am much more patronising than he is so I kept my answers simple. He said that he really wanted to see me perform one night. I felt awkward because inviting an older gentleman like Richard to see me do comedy might just leave him confused. He's from a different generation and he probably wouldn't get it. "I used to see all the old comics in the '60's", he told me. Even more of a reason to never see me. If he loved the likes of Bruce Tarbuck and Bernard Grayson he's not going to like me. "Yeah, I used to watch Lenny Bruce, Woody Allen...all the Americans. Of course, they were proper controversial and that's why we liked them. They addressed what needed to be addressed."

Now he's definitely not going to see me but for very different reasons.

I've had the last few days to properly get over Edinburgh and even reflect upon it a bit. I'm really happy that King of Everything was good. For the first week I thought it was going to be crap and I'm very glad I was wrong. As for the Five Pound Fringe, it was the best thing about Edinburgh easily this year. The acts on under it's umbrella were of an incredibly high standard and I've no doubt that it will grow so much next year. Which is bad for me as I'd like to do it again. A huge amount of thanks to Five Pound Fringe for this year and well done to them for doing such an impressive job. I'll have details of the upcoming Los Quattros Cunts gigs very soon. I'm very much looking forward to them.

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