Day five of no TV and my legendary voucher still hasn't arrived. Everything is boring without TV. How am I supposed to enjoy eating, writing or my many, many guests funny and whimsical stories without the TV being on? I can't, that's how.
I gigged at Big Night Out in Haymarket last night with Jojo Smith. I turned up to the gig feeling really odd and I realised that the reason I was feeling so peculiar was because I had done a fair bit during the day. I had written some stuff, sent letters off to people who I want to work for, sent a letter off to an Ombudsman (never done that before) and generally sorted some things out that I knew I wouldn't sort out if there was a fully functioning telly in my house. No TV has helped me greatly but I just can't appreciate that at all. A good career and comfortable home life is nothing compared to shouting at John Barrowman and his stupid, stupid face. When I got to the gig, Jojo asked our host, compere and booker, Jeremy O'Donnell, if the gig would be starting on time. Good for Jojo. Starting the gig on time is important. It shows the audience that we're not going to wait for them to just turn up when they fancy (you'd be surprised how often that happens) and it gives us a chance to get to our next gig without having to rush. If we had a next gig that night, that is. Anyhoo, Jeremy asked if Jojo was indeed doubling up somewhere. "No", she replied. "I want to see who wins Big Brother". FUCKING HELL. You have a telly Jojo and that's what you do with it? A three month long show that puts writers out of work? A show with the vilest human beings Channel 4 could find (they couldn't get Horne & Corden, remember)? Cameras pointing at a cunt creche? GIVE ME YOUR TELLY, JOJO! GIVE IT TO ME! I want to watch episodes of South Park that I've seen 17 times before. You know? Something worthwhile. And you are treating your television like an object. YOU SICKEN ME.
I really miss my telly.
I have only just got a text message from Johnny Candon saying that O'Brien's Sandwich Shops has gone into administration. If you've seen King of Everything you will know what this means to us. That is the power of King of Everything. Piss us off slightly and we will satirise you to death.