Wednesday, 30 September 2009

The Cure.

So I was ill and like any real man, I played up to my illness. It started on Sunday night. I was compering a show and all was well but I started getting queasy, hot, cold and nauseous while watching Danny Buckler. This had happened before, of course, but it felt different this time. I drank lots of beer to make myself feel more like me but it didn't work. I moaned and complained and acted like this might be the end. When I woke up the next day I still felt like shit.

When I was a very young boy and I got ill, my Mum would tell me to lie on the sofa, give me a little blanket, switch Bagpuss on and give me an Egg Beat-Up In a Cup (recipe: Boiled egg in a cup, mash it up with a fork). It always made me feel better. A few years ago, my sister Dianne bought me a birthday present that consisted of a blanket, a cup, a fork and a Bagpuss DVD.

Well, it still works. I'm 41 and an Egg Beat-Up In a Cup and Bagpuss (yes, the chocolate biscuit episode) still cures any illness I get. Why are these insane scientists wasting time and money trying to find cures for cancer, Aids and Swine Flu when we already have one? Fuck you, Professor Dick! Thank you, Oliver Postgate and a chicken.

So by Monday afternoon, I felt a lot better and ready to record Precious Little podcast number 3. I was in a very good mood despite my phone running out of battery which, as you will know, is the worst thing that can happen to a human being ever at any time ever. Think of all the TV producers and film executives who would be calling me right now saying "Michael, you were right! Justin Lee Collins is a bellend. We need you to save entertainment! Write a sit-com about space sex! QUICK!" yet all they would get is me asking them to leave a message. The podcast went well. We talked about our one and only review and it was an absolute pleasure to see James get angry over what is essentially nothing. I didn't think James got angry. We also had another Interview James, discussed our look-alikes, mourned the passing of The Astoria and congratulated Ian of The Re-Entrants for his winning theme tune to our podcast. My fingering just wasn't appreciated or wanted.

After the podcast, James and I made our way back to London to see some gigs. James went to see Helen Arney and I went to see The Trap at BBC Radio Entertaining. They were very funny indeed, as usual. Their scripts are just fantastic. They always seem to tie everything up so brilliantly. I sat there being a bit jealous and wishing one of them was dead so that I could have a small chance of being in a sketch group with them. Then I remembered I am.

Los Quattros Cunts, the one-off sketch group that The Trap and I formed about a year ago are re-forming for two gigs in November at The Phoenix, off Oxford Street. We'll be performing sketches in the first half with the second half consisting of a little bit of us and a different special guest both nights. The special guests will not be crap. They will be very much uncrap. I'd advise you to go to these gigs. Buy a diary and write Los Quattros Cunts in it right now.

Another gig I recommend is Richard Sandling's Perfect Movie at The Comedy Pub. It's a great show made up of stand-ups doing a completely movie-based set and the closing act picks out 5 scenes from 5 different films to re-enact. I did the last bit but it was definitely the stand-ups that made the night. I was so impressed by Nick Helm, Stephen Hill and Tom Crowley for doing actual sets that were tailor made for this gig. Especially sets that were that good. Bastards.

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