I was a bit all over the place and forgot about my two favourite things that happened during the past weekend. Firstly, the staff at Cafe Nero allowed me to lock up for them (this is actually not that interesting a story so let's leave a shroud of mystery over it and pretend it must have been AMAZING. My friend Sali looked suitably embarrassed about it but that's the best that I can say about the experience) then, on Sunday, I met someone with a foot lump.
I've missed my beautiful foot lump. I lost in during the Edinburgh Festival but still feel it's not time to talk about it yet. After all, I grew the thing myself over two years before my foot gave birth to it, then I let it live in my pocket for a month taking it everywhere I went. I've also suffered another Edinburgh-based loss this week too. I've been wearing a little blue rubber band that says The Little Howard Appeal on my wrist for more than 4 years. I've lost it many times but only for a few moments (it was normally found in the sleeve of whatever jacket/jumper/thermal top I'd just taken off. This time it looks like I've lost it forever. My wrist certainly feels a bit weird, like it's wandering around naked in public. I feel the same way about the foot lump. Not many people have foot lumps and fewer carry one around with them. It really marked me out as an individual, albeit a creepy one. But then I met Jason, a massive man who proudly displayed his foot lump for all to see.
I saw Jason on the tube when I got back into London. He was wearing sandals and when I saw his foot lump I felt like I had found a massive brother. Surely he would be so happy to meet another Lumpy? Well, he was massive so I brought the subject up sensitively.
"I've got one of those", I said. But much quieter than you might think.
He didn't look that impressed until I showed him my year old one on my right foot (yes, I have two) and his massive face lit up. He'd never met anyone with a foot lump before. I had met someone who claimed to have a foot lump but they never showed it to me so that doesn't really count. But here were two grown men, one more grown than the other, happily admiring each others foot lumps. Then we ran out of conversation and just sat next to one another in silence for the next five stops. It was really awkward. I put my shoe back on and made a note never to talk to anyone ever again.
Not that that was the most embarrassed I was to feel that day. God, no. I felt a lot more embarrassed that evening when I was sitting in house and watching ITV's latest venture into elephant diarrhoea: Trinity. It's set in an incredibly exclusive school for the privileged where all the pupils are seemingly 26 or older and everyone is a cunt who fucks other cunts. It's basically a school for stereotypes. Posh spoilt fuck who shags members of his family, shy Christian woman who the posh people look down upon but you just know that by episode three they'll all he hanging out of her, poor black man (such imagination!) and kooky girl who is funny because she has a Welsh accent. Isn't that hilarious? Imagine being from Wales!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahaaa...
Fucking awful. Why does everything have to be so shit? No-one can like this, surely? Charles Dance, who plays the stern Headmaster, looks like he's just staring at the clock and waiting for death. I bet he looks back at Ali G In Da House as da good old days now. There's actually a scene where everyone laughs at "poor black man" because he doesn't know Latin. ITV is so 2009. I just don't see the demographic here. People who like crying and wanking to non-sexual sex are probably the only ones who will enjoy this, even if they will hang themselves by the time they get to discover the two hilarious "stoners". To give Trinity it's due credit it was directed by a blind man. I'm sure of it. So that's quite impressive.
Thanks to everyone who has voted for the Precious Little podcast theme tune. At the moment, it's pretty neck and neck. Quite happy to discover that we're number 36 in the iTunes Comedy chart. Not bad, that.