Sunday, 22 February 2009

Let Me Entertain You. Pur-leeeease!

On my way to a gig in Bow last night I bumped into someone who had seen me on stage a few times. She was very friendly and said nice things. She then said how much she liked my blog. That made me feel great. She quickly ruined my good feeling, of course, by leaving with the statement (which was actually a question) “Why are you so angry all the time?”

Well, Fuckface, the answer is simple. Look around you. Everywhere you go in life you are surrounded by arseholes. In London, they say, you are never more than six feet away from a rat at any time. The thing is, all of those rats are never more than two feet away from an absolute arsehole at any time. I’m very happy for you if you find everything fucking brilliant but I can’t. The shit that we have to put up with on a day to day basis is tolerated for reasons that I just cannot fathom or ignore. Why is there an oven in the river near my house? Why is someone screaming down their mobile phone on a train? Why is this woman angry with me just because I asked her daughter to be quiet in an internet cafĂ© (this just happened 20 minutes ago)? Why is there a representative from Talk Talk at my front door telling me about a great new communications package including fast-speed broadband, cheap phone calls and great, great on-demand movies at 8.30 at fucking night? Why are police horses allowed to shit wherever the fuck they want and I’m not? Why is there NOTHING on TV? Why when I think I’ve got the hang of Sainsbury’s randomness do they change their entire shop around? Why is the tube late? Why is the tube so expensive? Why is the tube crowded? Why is the tube crowded with arseholes? Why is the tube in the tunnel for 10 minutes? Why doesn’t the tube driver know? Why doesn’t the tube driver turn up the volume on the tannoy so we can all clearly hear that he doesn’t know why we’re in a tunnel for 10 minutes? Why? Why? WHY?

Anyway, that’s why. Thanks for asking.

If the human race could simply fuck off, I’d be a lot happier. I just don’t see the point in them and I don’t see how they add to life. The good thing about this is that it now means I’m not “grumpy”. According to Liam Mullone’s excellent blog I am, in fact, a “Libertarian”. That means I’m still me but somehow just a little bit sexier.

A better way to clearly answer her question would be to take her to my gig in Bow last night. I like Bow. It’s never popular with many comedians but generally I like it. But not last night. The line-up was fantastic; Andrew Bird, Bennett Arron and Ben Norris, all great comedians. They were all exceptionally funny last night. What a shame the audience were too busy talking to notice there was such a good show on right in front of them. The front five tables seemed interested in the show. They laughed in all the right places, applauded when they especially liked something and, you know, had the good time that they paid for. The others actually paid money (and it’s not that cheap to get in) to sit and scream at their badly dressed, thick as fuck friends. I managed to say some of my very best feedlines on stage before asking the morons to keep talking to a minimum, which is a polite way of saying How fucking thick are you? Don’t you even realise there’s a show that you fucking paid for going on in front of you right now? Don’t you know how to actually conduct yourself in a public place, you fucking, fucking, FUCKING morons? Honestly, it was as if they hadn’t gone anywhere to learn how to whisper.

The door staff constantly asked people to be quiet but not all the staff were as helpful. I loved how they decided to bring out two birthday-candlelit cakes out just as I was introducing the open spot. The open spot was a very nice man called Pardis Parker (great name) who did a quick 10-minute slot. The audience were silent for him and listened throughout. Now, I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but of all last night’s acts to give your undivided attention to perhaps this wasn’t the one. I’m sure he’d have done fine if the audience had watched any of the show before him but they just hadn’t. The audience were now very quiet. Quieter than they had been all night. Probably quieter than they had been their whole noisy lives. You could have heard a pin drop. Well, you certainly would have noticed a laugh if the audience had given one. The good news was that they were listening. Great! Let’s bring on Ben Norris! Then the audience went back to talking loudly. They obviously felt that they had given the show a chance and that was it. Not that Ben, or any of the other acts, didn’t get laughs. They all did. Just from selected audience members who laughed but then stopped laughing quickly to ask the table next to them to stop talking. Fucking pointless.

Anyway, that’s why. Thanks for asking.

Just in case you think I’m being over dramatic about a crap night then let me assure you I’m not. Bennett Arron said that he preferred the gig, in the same venue, the night before. Bennett was threatened with a kicking the night before. That should give you some idea about last night.

Hey ho. That’s how it goes sometimes. Sometimes you just get an incredible percentage of thick people in at the one time. I don’t get it and I never will. You pay for a show. The show is on. You sit and watch the show. To me, that’s pretty straight forward. I can only imagine long division or a rubiks cube would kill these people. It’s certainly worth a try.

Don’t let that (or me) put you off going to see live comedy. Thankfully there are still more than enough nice people out there to make up for a one-off night with some arseholes.

Crap! There goes my Libertarian status.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


That does sound familiar!

"If it wasn't for the black men
If it wasn't for the white
If it wasn't for them all
The world would be allright!"