Wednesday, 17 December 2008

I'm So Money.

Good God! Dara O'Briain is reading out jokes from christmas crackers with Gareth Gates on Loose Women. Why the fuck is this happening? He doesn't need to do that. Lowering himself to shit like that. He's better than that. I mean, Spirit In The Sky is a classic.

HA HA HA HA HA! Yeah, a BRILLIANT joke to start todays blog. But seriously, it was really embarrassing to watch. I know what you're thinking; Oh, yes, Michael, it's very easy to sneer at TV's Dara O'Briain while you're up there in your Ivory Tower that is Southampton Jongleurs. Basically I've got a lot of time on my hands while waiting for the gig to come round and crap telly fills that time nicely. Not that I've just been stuck indoors since I've been here. Not at all. I've been checking out Southampton. Crazy name, crazy place. Not really, of course, but I have noticed a particular amount of insane glee from people who work in shops. I used to work in a shop and I hated it so was miserable to customers all the time. In Southampton you are guaranteed a big smile from a lot of shops. Maybe this new phenomenon has spread country wide but people can't fucking wait to tell you that you have to pay for a plastic bag here. Pretty much every shop I've been in over the last two days has had some miserable husk of no fixed gender ask me the question "Would you like a bag?" and when I say yes they immediately brighten up and explode with a joyous response: "Ha ha, Fuckwit! That will cost ye 4p. 4p more must ye spend. Hee hee hee! You poor 4p-less fool. Have your bag and HAVE AT YOU!" There is so much spite involved that it's actually a lot of fun. Yes, they're evil but it's the only piece of glee that these half-people get in their dark, foggy Southampton day. I like them.

That's quite a bad thing to happen when you're shopping but I'm absolutely loving the VAT rate saving. It means that we are the total opposite of America (again). OK, so you only get a few pence back (unless you're buying an aeroplane or a lion or something) but it's a great feeling to know that something you bought is very, very, very slightly cheaper than you thought. That's why I'm all like "Fuck it. I WILL splash out on a bag". You might as well. Good times, people, I love the credit crunch.

Last night's gig was just about OK. A very small audience that were quite quiet but we all got away with it. In fact, Raymond and Mr. Timpkins Review got big laughs. Yes, there's nothing Southampton likes more than this new Atomic Kitten backlash. Two down, four to go. So far, so good. It's Tom, the sound guy/DJ's, birthday today so we might just be having a drinky. Hopefully. Not sure how much more sober Southampton I can handle. Anyway, I saw this today. Isn't this the fucking dictionary definition of wanker?

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