Your Tworoscope.

Hello. My name is Michael Legge and I am an astrologer. I see your future. I have a regular column in This'll Do magazine and I famously once nearly read Princess Diana's palm almost. Now read on for Your Tworoscope....

ARIES: Your money worries will soon be over but things get worse before they get better. A family member punches poison into you on Friday.

TAURUS: A horse or maybe a man will carry you semi-safely to Rhyl. Don't forget to be wankered at noon.

GEMINI: Job prospects look good this week. An old flame returns and burns down your children.

CANCER: You have aids.

LEO: It's a good time to get some shopping in and to plot revenge. Why not stock up the larder and smash that dicks face in?

VIRGO: What's wrong with your eye?

LIBRA: A work colleague shows interest in you and murder. As a water sign, you spend most of tomorrow telling a kettle to fuck off.

SCORPIO: You're still grieving over your own death. It's time to pick yourself up and start haunting. A blonde ghost makes Thursday fun.

SAGITTARIUS AND CAPRICORN: No one has ever liked you.

AQUARIUS: A rash decision has brought on a rash. A chance meeting with a beautiful stranger brings huge fights. Soup's off.

PISCES: Your wife, children and house leave you for another man. Luckily, it's you! Be wary of Tuesday. Tuesday is a big lion.

And that is YOUR future, believers. I predict that I may or may not return soon....IN THE FUTURE! #YourTworoscope

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