Monday, 24 December 2012

Tofu Fighter.

One of the most annoying preconceptions that people have about vegans is that we're all sexy. Look, it's nice that you all think I'm smokin' hot but that's only one part of the enigma that is Michael Legge (not the one from Angela's Ashes). I have many layers. Like an onion or a chilly person. Yes, OK, fine: I'm sexy. But I'm also really tough and manly too. How come vegans are thought of as sensitive? That's so wrong. We are rock hard and ass-kickingly rugged. Evel Knievel, The Rock and Vinnie Jones are all vegan. Always have been. The S.A.S are some of the hardest and highly skilled vegans on Earth (S.A.S stands for Salad and A Smoothie). The film Die Hard doesn't eat meat and is lactose intolerant. That's right, when we're not caring for animals or banging supermodels, we are opening cans of soya whup-ass. 

On Saturday I woke up, had a couple of shots of whisky, gave Milla a little spank on the tush goodbye and headed out to Vx, a vegan specialist shop in King's Cross. I decided not to run there from Lewisham because I hate it when crowds of people start cheering at me or try to seduce me when all I want to do is work out, get some head-space and maybe break a record. So I power-swan to Ladywell train station and throw my guns in the direction of the little lady working at the ticket desk. She gives me a travelcard and I give her a smile, a wink and £7.30 even though I'm sure she would have given it to me for free even though she said I had to pay. The train turned up and I stepped back to let a woman get on the train before me. She thanked me and I said "You're welcome" even though I could have easily broken her neck or punched her guts out or something. Look, I'm a peaceful guy and I'm not one to brag but going by that woman's frame and age, I reckon there's a good chance I could beat up her dad. There was a gang of two youths sitting by me who had obviously switched their loud rapping music off and started quietly reading the second they saw this vegan bad-ass motherfucker get on the train, plus there was a nice lady sitting near them so I thought I'd just relax, be cool and be myself. Throw a little Legge style down. I always sit on a chair with its back to my front. It's cooler and I can lean on it better when my back hurts a bit. I sat down on the train seat like I always sit down. Like a total vegan Fonzie. Unfortunately, the seats are made for two or more people to sit on so only one of my feet was on the floor and I had to sort of half-kneel with my other leg while my face was way too close to the SE Network rail map. Clearly, those people were laughing at how stupid the meat-eating seat designer had been. And who could blame them? I stayed like that for the whole journey to prove a point, I think.  

After power-standing all the way down the escalator at London Bridge underground, I jumped on a tube to Kings Cross. On the tube, I looked around and quickly counted the amount of men I could beat up in the carriage. I've started doing that quietly now because some people think that because I'm so hard they consider me a challenge and because I'm a nice guy I often let them beat me up or I go quiet when they start shouting. One thing's for sure, as much as they THINK they want a piece of me, there is no way they'd want to get a one way ticket to Kick-Asstown or Chinese Burnland from me. That's one bag of edamame that no-one wants to open.

Even though it was raining a little bit, I strutted my stuff all the way from Kings Cross to Vx. As if weather could ever fuck with me! Plus I look good when my hair's wet and sexy and I had an umbrella so it was no problem. As soon as I saw the shop, I loved it. If you're vegan then you'll probably cry when you see it and if you're not vegan then you should go just so that you can see proof that we're not all bellends. It sells food. REAL FOOD. I mean really good food that's not just edible (that in itself is a miracle) but it tastes GOOD. They sell sweets! Vegans never get to eat sweets. And shoes! Vegan's never get to wear shoes. Not real shoes, anyway. And they sell "cheese" that...get this...TASTES LIKE CHEESE! Ever eaten vegan cheese before? It tastes like chalk. But not at Vx. What I'm saying is, you should go there. I walked in and, Rudy, the owner and I immediately high-fived and started our bromance. Felt good to be hanging out with another tough guy vegan. I fist-bumped a couple of other awesome vegan dudes in the shop too. Yeah, it had been an EXTREME journey getting here but this is why I do it the hard way, so I can enjoy the riches at the end of it all. Sure, I work hard and I play hard. But that's the life of a vegan. 24 hour EXTREME.

But there's two sides to every coin. Yeah, you all know me as the tough tofu-eating sex machine that you've fallen in love with but there's a secret side to me. A side to me that you probably wouldn't believe. A side that messes up everything he does and says. A side that just does the wrong thing at the wrong time. A side that is a twat.

I cut my finger on the packaging on a vegan schnitzel.

What sort of fucking pathetic twathole cuts himself on a vegan schnitzel. How fucking sensitive am I really? Sadly, that's not even the worst. I recently cut myself while changing a pillowcase. It's pathetic but it's true. Fuck sake, why did I have to start bleeding in a vegan shop? We have but one rule in vegan land. Do what you like when you like but please don't let us ever see blood. Well, I went all the way to the very best vegan specialist shop I've ever been to and I spilled blood in it. Of course I did. I am Michael Legge (not the one from Angela's Ashes).

I don't think I'm allowed back in that shop.

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