Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Wiped Out.

There's an incredible feeling you get when you swim the English Channel. It's not the people cheering or the medals that make you feel better, it's the actual event itself. It's the same with climbing up Machu Picchu or walking from Land's End to John O'Groats. Yes, there's some glory in that but that's not the main feeling you get when you've done those things. No matter what it is we do in life, whether it's diving off the top of a cliff into the sea or running a marathon or building a skyscraper or curing cancer or travelling the world to find 52 namessakes or parachuting out of an aeroplane or reading a blog, we all think the same thing when we're doing it: thank fuck I'm not putting new toilet roll onto the toilet roll holder.

My lovely toilet experience was completely ruined yesterday when I realised that I'd have to get a new roll of toilet paper out from behind the loo. That means taking the empty tube off the toilet roll holder and putting the new roll of toilet paper on. Yes, yes, yes. I could have just left the old empty tube on there, taken what I needed from the new roll and then left it on top of the cistern but then that becomes a reminder of how lazy I am every time I go to the toilet. The thing is, I really do think that putting a new toilet roll onto a toilet roll holder might be the most boring and awful thing that can ever happen to anyone. It's just slightly fidgety enough to be utterly tedious. I hate putting new toilet roll on the toilet roll holder. Why do we even have toilet roll holders? What's wrong with the floor?

Oh, yeah. That's where we piss. Can't put it on the floor.

Crap, better put the new toilet roll on the toilet roll holder. But I don't want to. Is not wiping your arse that awful? Could I live with shitty pants just for a day? Hmmm...I'm going out tonight. People always point out shit when they smell it so best not. No, I'm going to have to wipe my arse. COULD THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE? Yes, because once I've taken the new toilet roll out of it's packet then I'm going to have to somehow complete the dreary, drawn out, exhausting task of taking the empty tube off the toilet roll holder and, if there is any strength left in my spent frame, then I'll have to attempt the tiring chore of putting the new toilet roll on there. This two second slight movement suddenly becomes the most time cosuming, physically challenging project known to man. And that's why we do anything else to avoid it. Why climb Everest? Because it's there. Far away from a toilet roll holder.

When Matthew Webb swam from Dover to France in 1885, he accidentally became the first person to successfully swim the English Channel. He had no idea what he was doing. He was simply turning his back on the most tedious bit of housework possible and somehow that got confused with a sporting event. Emily Davison threw herself in front of the king's horse at the Derby in 1913 because she was "sick of being the only bloody one in this fucking house who puts the bloody bog roll on". The Wright Brothers were so distraught at the very idea of putting the new toilet roll on the toilet roll holder that they told people they were going to figure out how to fly. Of course, no one else wanted to do it so everyone they knew said "Alright, we'll come and watch" and that's how the aeroplane was invented. The toilet roll holder in the White House is so famously fidgety that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy paid assassins to kill them rather than face that most upsetting of physical and mental trials. Reagan did the same but he fucked up everything, didn't he? Couldn't even get out of not putting new toilet roll on the toilet roll holder properly. What a stupid President. 

All that cheering and support given to any of humanity's achievements is simply the rest of us being happy that at least one of us got out of putting new toilet roll on the toilet roll holder. Every great scientist, every astronaut, every hero...they're all simply lazy people who can't face that awful moment right after an otherwise delightful poo. A job so utterly tedious that people without arms or legs or with serious physical disabilities actually went through the rigors of the paralympics rather than the tear-inducing torture of putting the new toilet roll on the toilet roll holder. And I know just how those gold medal winners feel.

I put the new toilet roll on the toilet roll holder and afterwards I stood back and just looked at it. I did that. It's not a job for everyone but it's a task I took on and I succeeded. Oh, I didn't like it. It was gruelling. But look at it. The new toilet roll is on the toilet roll holder. It's the biggest, most physically draining task known to man and I have done it. I actually did something that day. I took the Andrex puppy by the horns and I conquered it. You can too. I know, the thought of it is making you cry, but you CAN do it. And when you do, that's it. For at least 20 poos. You'll never have to do it ever, ever again. For a while. It feels so good to actually have a day where I achieved something good. I pulled up my trousers and walked out of the bathroom, taller.


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